Sunday, February 28, 2010

Will This Ever Stop

 I am tired
 I am drained
 can't take this anymore

 Too may people
 To many games
  I don't want them
  I just want happiness
  I just want to hold and love you

  I can't fight for  your love
  Not gonna claw
  Its been a while

  Either you see me or you don't
  Either its love or its not
  You have to meet me half way

  I have made an ass of myself  for you long enough
  I can take this anymore
  I won't take it anymore

  Kuala Lumpur
  March 1, 2010


Let be

   I think of you
   I love you
   I care about you
   I want you

   If only you want me too.......

   Is that soo wrong??

   You don't see me
   The way  I see you

    Someday will
    I pray..I surrender... 

    All I ever wanted is for you to be happy
    All I ever wanted is for me to be happy

    Whatever that maybe.......

   I'll let love be
   I'll just let dreams be
   just let the vision be
   The vision of love
   The vision of ever after
   Just let me be happy

    You;ll always have a special part in my heart
    I surrender...

  Kuala Lumpur
  February 29 2010



Saturday, February 27, 2010

When all you can do....

Life isn't all bed of roses, peaches and cream all the time. It will throw you hard knocks and curve ball. ALL of us have gone thru it and have our crosses to bare. When this happens ,when devestation hits,depression and questions set in; all you can do is really put one feet in front of each other,dust yourself off,smile and count your blessing. Seeing the huge, to what seems to be minuscule. You do the best that you can and rise about the cards that you have been dealt  with.

Trust me I get that it is easier said than done, and it can be a slow and painful process but is the alternative choice a beautiful one?I highly doubt it.

I may not have a lot but what I do have  or maybe the fact is I do have a lot; for the people in my life, I am thankful for. I am blessed .I adore love and cherish every single thing.. every single one of my loves. For better or worse I carry that with me always.

Love and prayers going out the Chilean brothers and sisters, those affected by the earthquake or the tsunami. God's love and blessings always.

Friday, February 26, 2010

Takkan Ku Ratapi/ No Tears

Takkan Ku ratapi
Sayangku padamu

 Takkan ku ratapi
 Kau tiada disisku

Takkan ku ratapi
Begini diriku
Begini takdirku
Begini hidupku

Semuanya ditangan yang  Esa
Takkan ku ratapi segalanya
Aku  akan redha
Aku berdiri tegak
aku akan bergerak
aku akan berjaya
Aku tetap hidup
Aku tetap bernyawa



No Tears

Not shedding a tear
Thinking how much I love you

Not shedding a tear
thinking that you  are not by my side

Not shedding a tear
Looking at my life
This is all fated

Its all in the hands of God

Not shedding a tear
No regrets
I'll accept it
I stand tall
I stand strong
Despite everything

I'm still breathing
I'm still living
I'll soar even higher

February 26 2010
Kuala Lumpur


I can't look at you
I can't  talk to you

Every other word is critism
Every other word is contempt
Don't tell me I don't try and talk to you
You just don't wanna hear
You just don't wanna know

I can't dress properly
I don't believe everything that you do
I don't have sense of humor
I am the one that "needs to be taught  a lesson"
How old do you think I am?

 When was the last loving word you said?
 You know what?
 I can't even remember
 Don't sit there and pass judgement
 Don't sit there and put it all on me

I know
I am letting go
I am saying my forgiveness
I'll keep on for my sake
Cuz being angry at you
Hating you
Being constantly angry at you
Is not doing me any good

February 26 2010
Kuala Lumpur


I belong far away from here
Where spirits soar
Wings spread
Fear subsides
Love and acceptance rule

I belong where no question lies,
Of my humanity, believes, of myself!

I belong in your arms
In your heart
Where I feel peace
Where I feel contentment
Where I see nothing but beauty
That beautiful face
Your beautiful eyes
Your beautiful smile
Your beautiful heart and spirit
Where we embrace all of our beauty and all our imperfections

I belong where I feel nothing but strength and courage
That’s where God lies
That’s where home is
That’s where
my heart is

Thursday, February 25, 2010

Love Dichotomy

I am blessed the day you came into my life
I am cursed the day you came into my life

I love that I love you
I hate that I love you

You see me
You don't see me
You know me
You don't know me

I need this to change
I need to move on
but I don't know how
Can't imagine my life without you
Its lfe without love
its life without music

After all these year
Its still there
Its never gone
Even after you left
Even after I thought I'd let you go into her arms
Like that love that never dies
Like that pain that would never go away

I was fine
Wish you hadn't shown up at my doorstep again
Looking the way you do
Doing the things you do
Saying the things you say

I am holding on to reality
You bring back the love and dream

What the hell am I to do?
You can't do this to me

Kuala Lumpur
February 24, 2009

Tuesday, February 23, 2010

This much I know

For the strength you gave
For the love shared
For the life lessons learnt
For your mind, body and spirit
For the courage that you gave
For the laughter and tears shared
That you may or may not know
For you just being you
It has always been that way
It always will,
Even when this ride stops
Never felt this way for anyone else
I thank you
I love you
I cherish and appreciate you
The truth too,
That there were days
I am singing I hate myself for loving you
But today
For right now,
I surrender,
To you
To love
To God

Kuala Lumpur
September 10,2008 

Valentine's Coming

Its exactly a week from today  and Its Valentine’s day. Love is in the air.This damn holiday and weddings as much as I hate to admit it brings me down and brings out the miserable and the insecure and mad woman in me.  it doesn’t help there a younger close cousin is getting married in about 3 months.
Don’t get me wrong. I am a sucker for love and romance but I am also an optimist realist.
Never in million years when you asked me say when I was 21, where I see myself when I turn 30, I would have told you straight faced that I knew I was going to be married.  I was going to be the superwoman having a great career,  with a wonderful loving supportive,understanding beautiful of man that I call my husband,my baby,my sweeheart,taking care of my kids.  That was how my mother, raised me I looked up that that women when I was younger.
For better for worse, she raised her kids to be strong independent woman. For better or worse that woman on my first day of school told me I’d better focus on education and not on boys  because she said she’d just take me out of school and married me off (which scared the crap out of  me). She taught and told me that men can,cheat, leave you even when you are married and you are left to you own devise to fend for yourself.It was important to her that her  children be happy and  self sufficient adults. I guess she did not trust men that much except maybe her father and her husband.
Now I am pushing 40 and I am not still married. trust me bouts of loneliness does hits.. and you tell yourself its OK. Which on certain days it is. You begin hating weddings, you don’t resent Valentine’s Day per se.. but that insecure part of you goes “..What the hell is wrong with me..Am I ever gonna be loved?”
Turner’s Syndrome  may have made me a late bloomer growing up. I raised myself  to be OK with it and took that as a chance to just get to know myself.The process was slow.But again that was just the way it is. I love the male species but the truth is young men in their teens and twenties are very physical,visual,sexual creatures. When you don’t look like a supermodel or fit certain standards of what a “beautiful woman” should be. As a young lady you are going to have issues.  Let alone the fact you know you can’t have children, your “womanhood” is in question big time..How do you disclose that?
I have got news for ya’ll. It is not that easy.
You want to love and open your heart and your mind but sometimes it does not happen the way you want it to.I suppose you wanted to work on yourself and thats OK but one day you wake up and found that missed the love train. You are left to your own device and prayers. The train  left you and you are trying your best to make sure you are there when the next train arrives.
You tell the truth to a guy about your medical situation  thinking this person who has known you since you were 17 could be trusted with you heart and you’d thought would accept you .Nope. He turned his back on you and shred your heart into a million pieces..Now who can you trust?
Yes I have a picture in my heart and my mind who my love should be.
Someone who loves and accepts me as me, lets me be me as do I him,unconditional love thats beyond human comprehension, who adores me as I do him, Someone who  I can be crazy ass with, be goofy with but at the same time when we need to sit down and talk things out he is there. Intellegence and beauty inside out.  Let me qualify that beauty is in the eyes the beholder.  Also,  when I tell him about Turner Syndrome he looks at me and still loves me for me and not for my ablity to reproduce and would love and support me thru the ups and down. Damn it yes!! Someone who is there for each other thru the good and the not so good times.
If you know that person let me know. Until we see and find each other, my life,my love my destiny, is in God’s hands and for now I’ll go on this merry go ride of singlehood happy. I’ll try not to puke and be sick on it. Until then those damn busy bodies and those damn insecure voices ..let me just tell you to shut the fuck up!!! Just let me be happy. Yes there I said it.


Home. Its a real simple word. To me its where your sprit feels at ease,feels happiness, feels joy, feels unconditional love,where you are understood.Home is a place where one would you never wonder your worth,your value.

I was diagnosed with the mosaic version of Turners at the age 13 going 14. Being a teenager is complicated enough but medical diagnosis like that sure made things just a tad more complicated.

Quoting Wikipidia : "Turner syndrome or Ullrich-Turner syndrome (also known as “Gonadal dysgenesis, encompasses several conditions, of which monosomy X (absence of an entire sex chromosome) is most common. It is a chromosomal disorder in which all or part of one of the sex chromosomes is absent (unaffected humans have 46 chromosomes, of which 2 are sex chromosomes). Typical females have 2 X chromosomes, but in Turner syndrome, one of those sex chromosomes is missing or has other abnormalities. In some cases, the chromosome is missing in some cells but not others, a condition referred to as mosaicism [2] or ‘Turner mosaicism’.Occurring in 1 out of every 2500 girls, the syndrome manifests itself in a number of ways. There are characteristic physical abnormalities, such as short stature, swelling, broad chest, low hairline,
low-set ears, and webbed necks. Girls with Turner syndrome typically experience gonadal dysfunction (non-working ovaries),which results in amenorrhea (absence of menstrual cycle) and sterility. Concurrent health concerns are also frequently present,including congenital heart disease, hypothyroidism (reduced hormone secretion by the thyroid), diabetes, vision problems, hearing concerns, and many other autoimmune diseases.[4] Finally, a specific pattern of cognitive deficits is often observed, with particular difficulties in visuospatial, mathematical, and memory areas”

Growing up not knowing for thirteen years,I compensated and managed,so maybe that was for the better. Having said that,there were definitely things that came up over the years that caused a lot of frustration to say the least but things always happen for a reason and all you can do is deal and accept it for what it is.

The diagnosis was purely accidental. I had been sick for couple of years ,faint spells and not holding food down real well, weak etc, the doctors could not figure out what was wrong one last round of blood work at the pediatrician and they thought I had ovarian cancer. The doctors wanted do a laproscopy but ended up doing a full scale surgery when I was in the OR. Next thing you know at thirteen I was flat out told thru drawing of a picture that “you don’t have a uterus and ovaries. You’d never have kids”. That was the end of that conversation.

I do love and appreciate my parents for everything they have done and given to me. I know they only did what and how they know, and they are very simple folks. They never expected ,never really knew, how to deal with me just from a personality stand point, let alone the Turners. They never got the info or help that they needed. Its was easier to deal with their “normal” daughter. It was even painfully obvious even before the diagnosis.

I was told not talk about Turners at all because to them it was shameful. I was too young to know how to handle it and being a teenager ,trying to fit in was not easy ,especially if you are already insecure from all the comparisons made between you and your younger sister ,snide remarks, school bullies,name calling in school and the constant misunderstandings and miscommunication at home. You keep quite and try to passify yourself because all you wanted was for your family to love you and that friends in school treat you well and just accept you. You muster up the strength and courage from within, put one foot infront of the other daily because of God,because deep down you know better and deep down you know you deserve better. You love,you hold on to faith and hope. Music,singing was my joy Then there was my love,my joy,my blessings and life lessons that came collectively as New Kids on The Block.

It started that the spring of 1988. A spring and summer filled with a lot of surprises and memories. I got rejection after rejection to my local college applications . Then,came the day when I got news and letter from Dean Smith from the new Boston University office here in Kuala Lumpur that they had accepted me in as a student. I was just glad and thankful that I was going to college,let alone living my dreams to go to college in the US. I was just glad I had a chance to make something out of myself and just be better.

Than, after the acceptance, there was that one fine Friday, one late afternoon in July 1988. My sister had a bunch of her friends come over to hang out I was upstairs doing my thing. I heard screams calling my name to come right down. I remember seeing about five 13 year olds watching a video. “You gotta see this you gotta see this". "What song is this? “Its The right stuff!" I first caught the line and video of "all that I need it was my life you're so right..". The girls preceeded to introduce the guys one by one to me .This is Jordan ..that is Joe Jon..Donnie.. there is Danny.. I thought”wow OK this is cool..Love it". I saw Donnie’s smile..well what can you say,the rest is history. I did first feel a sense of “Damn!!those were the kinda guys you want to have on your side and hang out with!”

My sister and I are such different personalities.I always say that life dealt her a different card in life,so,we saw things differently which I had accepted over the course of time. I tried the best that any young girl could, to be the best,loving supportive older sister possible. However,from that day on,we agreed on one thing and that was Donnie. We bonded over Donnie. We agreed on how much we love the guys and the music.We sing,got silly together.Barely argued which was a blessing and for a second, there was an understanding,an acceptance, a bond a closeness that developed. Thats was literally how it started.I thank God for those moments.

I was amongst 10 of the first group that BU has ever accepted thru their campus here. Fitting in to the new “college experience” was another challenge thrown my way. I have always been rather pleasant,people person,maybe even had the tendency to people please at that point in my life . It really bothered me that I felt the negative energy and disconnected. I came to find thru an English writing exercises by the Engish professor on the short semester on the BU campus here,being that I am born ethnically Malay and Muslim, I was perceived as, "lower social status " and “a religous fanatic”. That was why she was not accepted in the group.This was in writing and it was in Malaysia a place that was suppose to "get me".I was beyond crushed.

As if the universe,God wanted to send me a message, I was watching a concert performance with Liza when I saw and heard Donnie greeted a crowd on stage with “Assalamualaikum” .As silly as it sounds when I heard Donnie said those simple Arabic greetings felt loved, accepted I always had that in me but thru Donnie I learnt to accept,love,respect others and myself unconditionally. I learnt to accept that my ideas and perception of things and others may differ what?? Don’t be afraid of who you are.I began not to seek approval so much. Slowly but surely that strength came to me.

I found that special spirit in the form of Donnie Wahlberg. I saw more and more of that window to his soul as a person. It was the charm, the imperfection,the smile,the loving,spirit and heart. Joe’s sense of humor and wit,Jordan,Jon and Danny’s charm,wit and their sprits too and not to forget their tremendous talents.

Somehow I also saw myself in the guys; ordinary guys doing exraordinary things. Your life is not defined by the situation by the situation you are born into you can and will do and rise to be and do better.

Than the reality of the scarifice and what it was gonna take for everyone, for me going to Boston sets in. The biggest “coincidence” from God that I never expected in my whole entire life that I was also going to be in the same city with the guys.

I got to Boston and it took me only about three weeks to feel settled. For once in my life I felt truly happy. The feeling that you just exhaled is the best way to explain it. Your spirit just tells you “aah.. this feel just right”. I could just be myself and that was alright and enough. Just pure love and freedom for myself,from myself ,given from others,received from others. I even manage to get better medical help and understanding with the Turner’s Syndrome situation.

In 1994 the guys went their seperate ways, somehow as sad as I was, I was really OK with it. I honestly understood in my own way, and deep down, that was a road that needed to be taken. I knew that when the time is right, and when the guys sorted things out on a personal level,they’d come back together. I knew I’d still be here no matter how long it took. I’d still love and support them.I did thru all the solo projects that they did. I held to be reasons to believing and never let go. Thru all that life still went on.

The very same sister that use to love them now after a couple of years beginning just looks at we with the ” what kind of a lunatic,delusional woman are you?” Yes the same superior smug feeling that she did walk aroud growing up that caused the rift between us growing up. That came back.
Sometimes life throws you a curveballs, 1998/1999, me being sick again and hospitalized, sugeries, losing my job, bad legal advice that caused me my working VISA,my mom’s glucouma getting worse,one thing after another and it was painfully obvious that in order to be back later on, I had to leave Boston after calling the city home for almost 12 years and move back to Kuala Lumpur,Malaysia. It was damn hard but I held on to the fact that God knows what he was doing.

I decided to start Halfpint Talent Production. For the first eight months, I also became a substitute teacher at an international school here. I did what I needed to do. I never loose sight of my plan that someday I was going to once again permenantly be back in Boston. I sure as hell would try my best; Halfpint Talent was going to be that way;God willing.
Life went on in KL with at the corner of my mind the thoughts,love,support for the guys was always there in Boston,in the US. Love and miss my friends, people I call and considered family and my life there.

In 2008, I had be back in Malaysia about 8 years, rumors were flying,and getting louder that the guys getting back together.The Funky bunch spreading words, website take over . That rainy day on 4.4.08, The Today Show for the first time in 15 years we saw all 5 guys together once again as NKOTB.

Only God knows why 5 brothers and their million sisters are gven this chance again but no one is taking this forgranted. We live,grow and learn from that past and the promise is to make it better. Very few people get second chances but by God's love,grace and mercy beyond mortal human comprehension; here all of us again together again. Its crazy but feels so good and feels so right. Nothing but love,appreciation,cherish,unconditional love for each other. Appreciation and love in this relationship that not all can comprehend,some even mock and rolls eyes but thats fine, NK Army members are use to that. Now, two years of concerts,facetimes,twitter,more solo project,more group projects coming up,the emotional roller coaster. Only God has the power to take this away.

In Boston I’d always feel I’ve truly found my spirit,soul home. In the corner my heart the guys have found a permanent home for feelings and reasons I would always cherish and remember. That is home to me forever and always.

Kuala Lumpur
February 23,2010
June 6,2011
Not sure where to begin .. am just  a simple girl..simple woman trying to live her life the best way she knows how. Despite certain things that life throws her way. I guess thats the best way to describe me  God loving, joy seeking, fun loving, truth living,bullshit hating spirit of the earth.

Why am I foolish,smart or crazy enough to do this. maybe the truth of the matter is to be heard and understood.Not to be selfish or anything. Maybe by the grace of God, my my ramblings would help someone else to maybe feel that they are not alone.

Simply put....

Now pardon my ramblings

Here we Go....

Hope you enjoy it.