Friday, November 11, 2011

Surrender to Divinity

All in divine hand
Need a miracle
Working on that miracle
I will see that face again
I will see that smile again
I will feel that hug again
I will feel that love again

If that never ever feel that ever again...
See that face
See that smile
Feel those arms
Feel the love
in person...

Just remember..
I just wanna say
Thank You

Thanks for being the love
Thanks for being that sunshine
Just for being you
The imperfect perfect you
For making want to be better
For making me want to do better

Don't think ya heard me said
Thank you
Thank you for that twisted evening at Bickford's
August 27, 1992
For all the rest of my lovely beautiful days
That has you in it
In my heart
On my mind
On my face

August 27 2011
Kuala Lumpur

My Shoes

You are not in my shoes
You don't get it
The feelings I have
The hurt I feel
The joy in my heart
And the tears I shed

Either you really don't care
Or you really don't wanna care
I am just too difficult
I am just too much for you
You dismiss me
Tho I am blood
I should not have to hear those words

God help me
I am not gonna say its OK
I have to forgive you
You can only love as you have been loved
And I know its not much

The tears I shed
The hurt I feel
The joy I feel
It is all in God's hand
I am in his hands
Because there is nothing else I know
Because there is is no better place for me to be

November 12, 2011
Kuala Lumpur

Wednesday, October 12, 2011

Your All

if you want to
If you have to
Let it all out

Even if it hurts
Even it it bleeds
You are love
You are beautiful

Be strong
Be tough
Hold on to love
Hold on to faith
Hold on to trust
You have everything you need
Right there with you

Kuala Lumpur
October 12, 2011

Tuesday, October 11, 2011


Wake me up
I don't wanna sleep

Kiss me
Bring me back to life

Hold me
Feel like I am falling

Don't want you to see see me
Feeling the way I do
Feeling battered

Give me hope
Don't wanna give up
Am digging deep

In you I trust
in all my imperfections
I trust that you will not forsake me
That you will take good care of me

Kuala Lumpur
October 11, 2011

Hand Heart Wash Clean

Hand Heart Wash Clean

I lost a friendship
Over a smiley face
On your ex's facebook......
We were friends
When I did not feel it was directed
negatively at you....

You don't wanna listen to explaination
You don't wanna accept explaination
You don't wanna see and accept when I ask
How can I make it better

Nothing can I do
Nothing I can say
I am hurt
I am sad
But my conscience is cleared
God knows why heart
maybe our time has come
With you slamming that door on me
someone that truly loves, gets gets and understanding
is meant to fill that spot

Kuala Lumpur
October 11, 2011

Friday, September 9, 2011


Voice of love
Voice of reason
You'd be loud
You'd be strong
You hold on

Even if I had moments of not believing
You give me a reasons to believe....
Reasons to give up
Reason to give that perpetual middle finger to negativity

Thank you God
For that love
For sending me that strength
For that faith
The light in my life
The best thing that happen to me
Even if days that I do feel that I doubt you
But the reality is hard for me to..
I don't ..
I love
I trust
I believe
in me
in you
in God
in whatever is that is good.......

Kuala Lumpur
September 9, 2011

Wednesday, August 24, 2011

What I Want

I tell you what I want
To be that shoulder
Knowing that I am not stupid
Knowing that I am not naive
To know that you are not you are not faking it,
For you to see me as me
as good person that I am
I just want to see,want to know the real you

Baby ...
You are not up there
And I am not down here
If we can 't meet each other half way
God help me,
Help me understand
If it needs to be over
Shouldn't it be over
But..Its not

I'd much rather let you go ..
in love
than be this way...
Would I ever know the truth
You've been in my life for far too long
for it to be this way
For me to feel this way

My love eternal
patience tested
Till the last drop

Kuala Lumpur
August 24, 2011

Wednesday, August 17, 2011

Thank You

Dear God I thank you
I thank you for this screwed up life you have given me
I thank you

I was not suppose to be born
but here I am anyways...
broken inside
I thank you

You send me them
I live in love
I am belittled
I am different
I am weird
They make me feel small
They don't see me
They don't respect me
I am not me....
and they expect me to love and respect them
Thank you God

Thank you for the hurt
Thank you for the anger
Thank you for the sadness,tears
Thank you for the frustration

Thank you for sending me to my love and joy and taking it back from me
Thank you for sending me, and making me feel the love and only to be told I can never have it... only in my dreams

Thank you
And now little 'ol me is expected to hold on to love faith and hope
when all I am surrounded with is chains and limitations
Thank you

Now you can have back this life you have given me
I thank you

Kuala Lumpur
August 17, 2011

Saturday, August 6, 2011

The Only Thing Thats Real

Dear real love,
In this rumble,
In this solitude
I thank you

I am letting you know
I am here
I am ready
Ready to surrender
Ready to receive
What is real
what that is love
what that is understanding,compassionate and nuturing

I am love
I surround myself with love
I am worthy
Anything less than joyful
Anything less that oness with you my higher power
Does not belong here

God... I return that to you

Kuala Lumpur
August 6, 2011

Tuesday, July 12, 2011

In my soul

With every fiber of my being
With every fiber of my soul
I feel hope
I feel strength

With every fiber of my being
With every fiber of my soul
I do feel blessed
Moments of love wraps me
Warms my heart
Warms my soul

I can never deny that
I can never push that away
Thats what feeds me
Thats what gives me joy
How can it not be part of me?
It forever will be

Kuala Lumpur
July 12, 2011

All On You Not Me

I ask for love
I ask for mercy
I ask for compassion
I ask for peace
That is all

Make me smile
Make me smirk
Go ahead
take me for weak
take me for stupid
go ahead
Underestimate me
lets see who is gonna have the last laugh

Your thoughts
Your responsibility
Its not on me
Its on you..

I just have to remember to find that love and strength in me, for me
Remember I am worth it
Everything wonderful, beautiful,great and blessed that live has to offer me

I am walking away
Not buying your shit

Kuala Lumpur
July 12, 2011

Wednesday, June 22, 2011

Hearts Don't Think

Hearts don't think,
they feel...
so..I was told

After all these years
part of me.....

Is this all real?
Hell... it is
No..its not
Is my heart in the right place?
Is my love in the right place
I am too smart to be fooled....
oooh...the dichotomy....

Are you acting?
ooooh soooo good.....
Yes.. you are
No.. you are not
Maybe a mistake
But maybe you are my beautiful mistake
Would never change a thing

I don't know much
But ...
I love and trust God
I love and trust me
I trust and love whats sent my way
so.. I love and trust you
Thats all I need to know

Kuala Lumpur
June 23, 2011

Monday, June 6, 2011


Walking that stage
sea of faces
Gonna tell that story for that competition
She was not afraid

It was her turn
She took her place
She started

She was stopped
She saw head turning
She heard loud rumbles

Boo boo
Boo boo
Get her off that stage!!
Get her off that stage
We don't like the way she speaks
Its funny
Its awful
who does she think she is???

Tears came running
She felt humiliated
She felt embarassed
She went running off that stage
She went off crying in the bathroom
like she has never sobbed before
Tho lord knows she has cried her tears

She held on tight
what else was she suppose to do
She cried
Held out
Hurt yeah
but marched on.......

Kuala Lumpur
June 7 2011

Friday, May 20, 2011

If only I Know

If I know what to do
To make things better
In a heartbeat I would

If I know what I would take
I would
But I don’t….

I am only human

If I know what to do
If I know what to say
To have you in my life
To have your heart
I would in a heartbeat
But I don’t

I am only human

All I have is me
All my tears
All my love
All my heart

Heart that is telling me
To keep keeping on
To keep having faith
In the end it would all work out right
In the end it would all be worth the wait
God..would not forsake

Kuala Lumpur
May 20, 2011

Tuesday, May 3, 2011

Zee thoughts

You do have to read the article earlier that got me to writing this.

I am by no means trying to be overly dramatic the fact is I have experienced first hand what it feels like to hurt by unfair judgement based on my racial,ethnic,religious background.

Before leaving for Boston all the first batch accepted by Boston University (B.U) thru the campus here (there were ten of us),we had professors from Boston to prepare us for. We had this English professor that made us do a lot of
free writing ,journalling and what he called dialog book. One of his reasons was to promote connection,understanding that he feels correlates to good, smooth writing.

I never fitted in, no matter how hard I tried. I was learning how not to let it bother me so much slowly. Can't fully remember how the conversation got to the point it did, but it was my turn to have a journal dialog with C. To my sadness and shock I saw the sentences " because of the way you dress, and who you are.. people here think and look at you as a religious fanatic..thats why they do not want to be your friend" This was suppose to be in Malaysia where I was born and I should have been understood and seen in a better light. That was not obviously the case.

I got thru the experience starting to talk with that professor since he was his class . We talked quite a bit and he reinforced the attitude of " you do need to be a part and adapt but not adopt when being in new situations". I had that in me but he reminded me.

About two months into digesting the situation and feelings, I was watching TV, a concert ws showing and NKOTB came on. Donnie came busting out like he always does and the first words out of his mouth was "assalamualaikum" ~ peace be upon you; greetings typical in the Islamic culture.

I was feeling low,sad,bad ,doubting but in that instant looking and hearing Donnie utter that greeting,acknowledging, undeniably felt acceptance,love and pride amongst other things in the beginning. That teenager is reminded thru Donnie of love ,acceptence ,understanding for others and yourself. He was always talking about its about " you are OK despite who what where you come from...stand tall stand strong in YOU". I had more than enough reasons told and given to me to feel negatively..but that was going to stop right there right here and right now.

Fast forward to Boston. Where I found freedom and ease to love,accept,nurture me. I knew negativity would still be there, Ignorance will still be there. I had a dorm mate from Louisville,KY ( I kid you not) that was unfortunately there as part as that lesson. having said that I was more blessed with love,surrounded, meeting people that was OK with me, some even loved me,became "mi familia". They never once made me feel less than worthy, not comfortable being me ( yes even the vertically challenged me) ;). I did not have to anything but do me and I was enough and loved.

Fast forward even further; 2001 back in Malaysia. September 11 happened. I cried. I just knew humanity would change because of it.I reject and dislike people who uses religion and God's name in vain. The God and religion that I know is filled with nothing but love,compassion and understanding. That was destroyed by one man's plan in matter of seconds. Now he is gone but damage is there.Healing needs
to be done. Humanity however needs to want it.

I love America for what it has given me,what It stands for, what it believes. It is my soul home.

Looking at that picture of the graffiti on the Maine Muslim Community Center in Portland, Maine, filled with anger,hatred makes me sad .Makes me wonder Will it ever be OK. What would happen to me when God says that its the right time to be back. I know the last time I walked on the streets of Boston on that whole stretch of Comm.Ave I still felt nothing but joy ,love and gratitude.

May that never change
May love reign
Here is to love and all humanity

May 3 2011

Monday, April 25, 2011

Holding Light

I am gonna keep saying my prayers
I am gonna keep the faith
I am gonna keep hope float
I am gonna keep praying for patience

That things would work out
That love would find me
That love be returned
That whatever God has planned
The bigger picture would be fully accepted
be fully understood
Trust that He wants nothing but the best for me

Even if the love is not physically around
to always and know and feel that the love would always be there
Feel the love and blessings

Kuala Lumpur
April 25, 2011

Tuesday, April 12, 2011

The Bigger Picture

I am such a fool
Maybe I have been mad
Mad at the world
Mad at life
Its hard to say
Thought I understand
But then again....
Its a bitter pill to swallow

God sent me there
God showed and lead me to you
I feel blessed
I feel happy
I feel loved
I feel grateful

Why was I there
Why we met
Why was that all taken away from me
When I was not planning
When I was not ready,
not wanting to let it all go

Guess maybe
I do know
The time came
Its meant to end
Thats is not meant to be

Lessons came
Lessons learned
Love came
Love lost
Love learned

Dear God just help me learn
Just help me fully understand
What your bigger plan
what the bigger picture
that you have for me

Kuala Lumpur
April 12, 2011

Friday, April 8, 2011

Forgive Me

Forgive me
that I am human
That dear God, It take a lot sometimes for me,
that I do get sad,
I do get get angry
that I don't feel that I deserve the things that happens to me
That sometimes I don't always understand your plan, your reasons
But I do love you
I trust you
I always strive to do and be better

Forgive me Mama and papa,
that have had enough
enough of that feeling less then
enough of that expectations
what you think a good daughter should be
sorry that I am not cut in your mold
that you can't love,understand,accept unconditionally and be happy
I don 't want to be you
I want to be better
be happy
find my bliss
find my joy

Forgive me dear sister
that you feel that I am not a good enough older sister for you
that we are two different people but asked to fit in

Forgive me that I hurt
that I hurt
the scars are there
that I refuse to live this way
that you call me ungrateful
just because,
that I have the brains
that I try to say my peace
that give up telling them because they are not heard

I am who I am
Forgive me

I rise

When I don't know what else to do
What else to say

Forgive me,
I am sorry
that I am human
that I hurt
I bleed
I get angry
that sometimes It's just to much
that it takes every ounce of me to live ,breathe and love

but.. I rise

Kuala Lumpur
April 8,2011

Thursday, March 31, 2011

Why I love you

You know why I love you?
Simply just for you
The spirit,the soul that is you
The words that comes out of you
Makes me believe in me
Makes me believe in you
Makes me believe in what is me and you

All the good that it holds
All the love that it brings
How can I ever deny that
Even till the day it ends
I am still here

You know why I love you?
Even when this masterpiece
is still in progress
You have thru all these years
Always made me want to strive to be a better masterpiece
A better person,
that is me,
that is God's love and creation

For that,
I cannot, not love you
I could, would never ever turn my back on it
Its in the deepest sanest, loving, purest part of my heart
and forever thats where it'd be

Kuala Lumpur
October 11, 2010

Wednesday, March 16, 2011

Do you even know?

Every one got stories to tell
Scars from the healing
From the hurt
From the tears

Happiness is the choice
It doesn't mean denial
It doesn't mean that there is no acceptence
Life is what it is......

I surrender my life to God
Accept things as they are
but ..
don't say that having dreams ,longing ,love
is in the way of my happiness
You are not in my shoes
I accept that thats what you think
but you obviously don't get me

In God, me, strength faith and love I trust

Kuala Lumpur
March 16 2011

Wednesday, March 2, 2011

Wake Me

Wake me up
I don't want to sleep

Kiss me
Put the life back into me

Hold me
Feel like I am falling
I don't want you to see battered

Give me hope
Cuz I don't want to give up
Am digging deep
Don't let me loose myself
When I ever to do was to do is
to love
to be myself
to do better
to do better
find my joy
find my bliss

Kuala Lumpur
March 2, 2011

Thursday, February 24, 2011


Sunshine dry this tears away
Sweetness fill my day
Love please fill my heart
Take the bitterness away
Take away the pain

I have nothing to say
to that voice of hate
To that voice that wants to break
How much of it I can take

I'll live by God's grace
Karma has its place
Its love that I'll take
To God, I'll surrender my fate
Till my time to leave this spirit shape

Kuala Lumpur
February 24 2011

Friday, February 18, 2011

My Truth

The truth of the matter is
Yes I am strong
Yes I am stubborn
Yes I believe
Thru everything that is thrown my way
The hurt
The tears
The love
The laughs

I have more than my share of it all
If only you knew
If only you saw
If only you understood

I don't complain
Not here to whine
I take it with a smile
I do my best to live in love
A choice that I make

I get tired
I get sad
I get depressed
I get angry
I get frustrated

Days I feel and wonder wether love,happiness will find me ..truly...
But you.... yes you
those words
Those eyes
That smile
That heart
My light
My sunshine
The wind beneath these small wings,
lifts me up

Not everyone gets it,understands it ..I am done expecting that.....
but in the real estate in my heart.. you'l forever have a place
my love
my blessing that I love cherish adore appreciate
you make me feel loved
you make me feel like a woman that I am
Even when days even I doubt myself
days when I can't see the best in me ..You do..
you believe,
You bring out the best in me
Thats why you are forever my heart
Forever my baby

Kuala Lumpur
February 18, 2011

Friday, January 28, 2011


Paths crossed
Life unexpected
Hope floats
Strength stands
Its always been there
It gets louder
Its deeper
Its seen
Its felt

Looking in your eyes
I see no lies
In your arms I feel safe warmth
Those fear...won't scare
won't make me cry ever.....

Thru all lives confusion
Thru all the hurt
For certain..
You always make me want to be a better person
To rise above all in the name of love
Always in my heart

Kuala Lumpur
February 28, 2011

Friday, January 14, 2011


Sometimes the brain shuts
Sometimes I run out of words
When I think of you
When I see you

I am not even gonna fight....
Not even gonna claw....

I'll never be funny enough
I'll never be witty enough
I'll never be sexy enough
I'll never be that supermodel
I'll never be flirty enough

Worthy enough to be in your life
Worthy enough to stand next to you

Guess what
I am me...
For all its worth
I am worthy
Enough for me
Enough for the good Lord that created me
Enough for the ones that truly love and see me

Don't blame you
Don't hate you
There is a reason that I love
that reason just plain and simple is YOU
for everything that is YOU
for everything that is ME
thats all I have got to give

Kuala Lumpur
January 15 2011

Tuesday, January 11, 2011

Randomocity Zee

Just like everyone I know , I open my eyes say my prayers and gratitude. Go on with my day with God in my heart and smile on my face. I have to admit there is this random thought,feeling that just went running thru my head. Almost making me feel rather annoyed at myself. Hard pill swallow and to admit but I know I am not alone.

Could I really have thoughts,picture,prayers that love is and will be in my life that I deserve every thing that life has to offer. Hard to admit, but yeah there is that nagging that picks at you and wants you to hear it,trying hard to sabotage everything.

How do you really truly shut up that evil voice that wants you to believe that you are undeserving of what is good,whats blessings....

Lets start with really really really giving that little twit the middle finger shall we? =))

Saturday, January 1, 2011

Don't You Stop Me

You'll never see
You'll never understand
No matter how hard I try
You try to sell me that crap
That I am not buying

I am done
A long time ago
And more so
Done trying to please
Done trying to make you love me

You and your stupidity
You and your passive aggressiveness
You hurt me with your words
You hurt me with your behaviour

I swear I'd rather die
than let it get the best of me

God as my strength
God as my witness
Whatever it takes
Moving thru my new beginning

Kuala Lumpur
January 2, 2011