Tuesday, June 29, 2010

This is my confession

Call it what you want. It might be something in the universe today ,the weather here that has been stormy, causing throbbing havoc on my back,hurts like a mutha and mood..not exactly the best,things just don't feel right.

Praying that I am not going to regret this but there is this voice inside me that is screaming confessional. I am sick and tired,feeling sick and tired. It takes a lot to hold on that love faith and hope..takes a lot of damn work to be happy and positive face.Today I feel drained and need to get to that well, get to that deeper part.

Yes I am pissed. Thankful and greatful for the the air that I breath and the love and feelings , lessons learnt , that I would have not experienced had I not been alive.But I am pissed having born and having to deal with Mosaic Tuner Syndrome on a daily basis and what comes with it, no ovaries,no uterus. not able to be pregnant , messed up choromosome in the blood causing stupid things in your system.thats the inside. Don't get me started on the constant need to take the meds the toll that can take physically and financially. On the outside, all people physically see is a baby faced 40 year old 4 ft 10 woman.

Yeah..I am all about being OK with who you are.. I accept looking young "cute" "adorable", short , thats the reality; but what I do resent and hate is when the physicality affects how people see you,treat you deal with you. You resent it more it some of it even comes from your own family and they refuse to see and acknowledge it. What I hate is then when I left for Boston that went away now I am constantly reminded of it again..Its chipping away at my strength wall. Hell if I am gonna see that breakdown. I would rather die than see that happen.

I accept I am never going to be a supermodel and wether people care to admit it or not there is this unspoken, unadmitted rule about physicality...just don't freaking infantalize me... or think that my size is any measure of my ability to perform or do things, run my ow business. I may have to push thru it but I sure as hell can do it as well as the rest of the damn population. Yes... I hate to say it, the world can be filled by superficial bastards and bitches , its just to what varying degree you let that be you and from which perspective you are standing.

I hate that being sick triggered a domino effect professionally and personally that caused me to make the very very very painful decision to leave Boston and had back to Malaysia, if I were in any way was to get back there ever again.

I hate that because I was so caught up in that misery ,walking all by myself down that narrow street by Pilgrim road in Braintree,in tears, I lost the opportunity to get to know better
the man that is Ddub Sr.His frail body,face smiled,hands waved at me to come over which I did not realize till I got on to the bus headed back to my apartment. Glad I smiled and waved back but regret that I did not do more in the not knowing.

I hate that my life at nearly 40 is not what I had imagined it was when I was younger. I do want it to be better. If only I knew how. All I know is I eat pray love, hold on to love,faith and hope. I hate feeling like there is no way out and like this is big huge freaking brick wall that refuses to let me break thru. Thats what I hate. I am not a quiter, I fight.

I hate and confess that I might be loosing my joy and passion doing what i do because I am sick and tired of playing or trying to figure out the games, that people here play.socio political
business game Its taking a toll on me. There is the Malaysia for the expats and their is the Malaysia for the "locals". Thats the ugly truth of it all.

I regret, hate and confess, that at 21 on August 27 1992, despite that is great, behind the cheshire grin and happiness. The voice that was saying "who the hell do you think you are missy!! You don't deserve to be around him. Scew that shit!" That voice unfortunately was subconsiously louder. This 39 year old now, in a heartbeat bitch slap that 21 year old, for perhaps ruining the best night of her life,with that negative subconscious.

I just feel so damn tired, damn mad but the only choice that would feel right is to find that light that is beautiful inside of me, let is shine into that hell hole that is also part of reality and dig deeper into that well of love, faith and hope.....

This is my confession........

Sunday, June 6, 2010

Meet me half way

I know love,life is a journey
I can't help but to see and feel you in it
I do love you
I do care
I am patient

But baby....
how long does this have to go on
I have made a damn fool of myself loving you long enough
I know how it started
I just don't know how to stop it
I don't know how to hate you
Its impossible
you are the deepest part of my heart
the deepest loving part me,my heart and my soul

Will there be a time that you would truly,really see me
Will there ever be a time that I hear the words
Will there ever be a time that I feel the love
Will the ever be a time that I feel the arms wrapped around me
For me to be sure
I just want to know that its real
I am not stupid
I am not crazy

I feel it in my heart
I want it to be
If God would hear it
If God meant it for me

June 6, 2010
Kuala Lumpur