Wednesday, March 31, 2010

Push Me

I make no apologies
I am who I am
Yes it hurts
You make me feel less than who I am
Because I am not you
That I don't do things that you want me to do
That I don't share all your believes or values
That for me things are more shades of grey..not always black or white..
All the time
I am still God's creation

Don't tell me how to be
Don't tell me how to lead my life
Who's to say I am wrong
Who's to say I am right
I have to trust me
God and light is in me

Don't tell me I am less in his eyes
If I don't do things in a certain way
If I don't act a certain way
If I don't think a certain way

I will fight
God have mercy
I will fight
Don't freaking push me
God have mercy
You will regret it!

Kuala Lumpur
March 31 2010

Monday, March 29, 2010

In my heart

I am angry
I am sad
I am hurt
I am hopeful
God,faith and strength heals me
I deserve better

I don't belong here
I am born in the wrong place different time
It feels like
But I know
What God gave me
Made me the person I am today
God does not create junk
and I am not a mistake

You try to box me in
You suffocate me
You mock me
You make me feel less than..
You diss me
You don't love me
I am the the ungrateful bitch ....
Because I have my own ideas
I have my own opinions
They are not like yours
You can't handle that
You can't love that

I have to be strong
I have to be hang on
Hang on to the love
hang on to the faith
Hang on to hope
Cuz without it
Life is not worth living

Kuala Lumpur
March 29 2010

Monday, March 22, 2010

An encounter to remember

I was just waiting for my sis to be done with her dance class and we would head out together to meet up and hang out with our cousin and her fiance and walked into the pharmacy. On my way out after getting what I needed, one of the pharmacy staff stopped me. They had this contraption and was doing BMI test. She says " come on why don't you do it!". I somehow found it real easy to say "fine..I'll do this" tho I know what I was going to find out would be less the perfect.But somehow, I did not care.

She sat me down to talk about what the numbers from the machine meant. I am not sure what vibe she picked up from me. She started to talk about her efforts to get healthier and shed some of her weight etc and that somehow lead to her telling me about a year ago she got into and accident,got into a coma,and how she found herself in a near life experience. How she saw the light etc. You hear these things and I never doubted it but it was th first time anyone has ever personally talked to me about it. She talked about how it changed her life. She lived her life more in love,forgiveness,compassion and more in the moment. She talked about her relationship with God,family,her loved ones.

She hit more than few nerves on me I have got to admit. She kinda pegged me right on certain level. I swear, in my head I was saying.."OK what is God and the universe is trying to talk and tell me something now. I got teary. Darn it! after she was done, it was the first time in ages that a total and complete stranger smiled and gave me a hug. It felt like somehow an angel hugged me and telling me that no matter whatever happens I was going to be OK. That was what I felt like. Just let go. Just surrender. Its going to be OK. Just got to be open to the lessons and what the universe is trying to tell you. Hopefully and feels like I maybe on the right track after all, tho I can always do and be better. AMEN.....

Always and forever a work in progress till the day I die.

Friday, March 12, 2010

Ramblings of Love

H just got back from a trip and I hadn't spoken or heard her voice in a while so I decided to catch up with her and call.  We always have a  great,fun times when we talk and somehow the conversation led to me making a comment on we are strong, independent women and how it takes a special kind of men to be able to see, love,accept us for who we are. The both us have always agreed that the last thing the both of us ever wanted was to be in a relationship that requires us to change who are we are and just makes us feel boxed in, feeling suffacated. Compromise is necessity at times I feel but asking the other person to completely change? Thats another beast all together. I know I am not going to settle for that. I would never ask the person I really care to change who they are. Isn't that who I fell for???  Relationship is all about respect love ,acceptance.

After we hung up cuz H had to go back to her teaching,  my mind took  me to the twitter trending topic a few days ago  that went something like #youarestillsinglebecause. H and I have been accused of a lot of things for our singlehood in this culture..from being "choosy", "arrogant","aggresive" someone has even told me that I have to up my presentation i.e grooming..loose the weight, because being brown, "short"  and "fat" ain't ideal in her world (true story and this was rather recent.

I also just heard this comment "the less attention you give someone, the more they'll give you." which in all honesty for me is a bunch of crap that just ruins relationship..if ya ask me and only a bitter sceptic came up with. What is so wrong with the right dose of love,attention,nuture and understanding that is given to the important relationship in your life? Whats up with the games??? I am a hater of games.Its a turn off for me. I don't know how to play games in business,life and relationship. For better or worse that is who I am . If it means I get hurt in the process, at least I know I am living and living my love and truth.

When I feel genuinely  connected to the person and he sees and accepts me with all that I am ; the beauty the flaws, the Turner Syndrome, worthy of my love and each other. I  know thats the person ,the time arrives.. I'll be ready to receive.

Until then ... I am just gonna say Alhamdulillah..thank you God.. and be happy.......

Tuesday, March 9, 2010

Did I???

Did I yet again made the mistake
Like I did with him..
by telling him the truth about me
by telling you the truth about me

Did I turn you off
I don't know
Because I know you know
and you did not say a thing
You have been in your silence
I know you see me there
and you choose to ignore me

I tell myself
Whatever you think don't matter
I'd be lying if it didn't hurt
Thinking you think less of me for what I have done

I put my trust in you
I made a fool of myself yet again

I am fighting back tears
When will this end?

Kuala Lumpur
March 10 2010

Wednesday, March 3, 2010

Hope Floats

   Sure things has its ups and down
   I am not gonna deny the darkness that I see and feel
   I can't deny that I feel that I feel sucked in
   But I never one to let life get the best of me

   here I am sitting here
   I am thinking of you
   Will I ever find a way to stand tall beside you
   Only God knows

    Have got to get my head straight,
    Always have,always will
   Tho I know what my heart feels
   Tho I know what my mind says

    Whatever happens
    I will be great
    I will happy
    I will be fine
    God as my witness
    God as my guide

    Kuala Lumpur
    March 3, 2010