Monday, October 15, 2012

Here are my truths the way I see it.

Why am I doing this. To make me freer that free , to be able to even more embrace my imperfections, my scars and to love me better. I love me.. love others better. Thats my truth and I am sticking to it , so help me God.

Truth: I am 42 years old and I own my own business, single,never been married and I live with my parents and younger sister after living 12 years independently in Boston. It never was what I had envisoned for me when I was younger. I surrender to it because certain things in life are beyond my control and I love and cherish what has crossed my path in life.

I was born with Turner Syndrome,but only diagnosed at the age of 13. I have learned that it is part of me but not who I am . It does not define me although not denying it has impacted me, my life, my relationships.

It would be something that I have to deal with on a daily basis and that I would never be a mother in the traditional sense.I have to grapple with that and made me a late bloomer in life at some point but it also smacked me into the reality of who I am as person real quick. Because when you grown up questioning your worth and value (or lack of it) you learn real quick to dig deep so you don't feel lost. I thank God for that.

Truth: I have parents that do love, given me a lot ,taught me a lot (some times realizing what me I don't like) They have their way of showing love and care , which might not necessarily be how I need it. Sociocultural and generational differences probably has a lot to do with. They had to deal with their own ,parental deaths, emotionally distant parents and verbal,emotional abuse issues. Don't tell them I said that because it would be denied. That would also explain their difficulty even until today to come grips with my diagnosis with Turner Syndrome . Many a discussions that were had and many it lead to arguments due to their disapproval of me even acknowledging and talking about it describing it as "embarassing”,that I should probably feel embarrass.

It has been really hard on them to see me as an adult, and yes that makes me resentful and angry. It has to take Liza to explain things to them for it to seem acceptable, understandable,comprehensible to them.

Truth: That has affected my connection and relationship with my only younger sister. If it weren't for that one fine Friday afternoon around July 88, I am not quite sure what would happen. That was the Friday after school that a bunch of her friends and her were watching a video that I came to know as “The Right Stuff”. I came to that TV just as Jordan and Donnie were singing “All that I need it was you ,in my life you're so right” There began her brief and my life long love with one Donnie Wahlberg and NKOTB. We never agreed and connected on much but in Donnie we bonded.

Truth: Applied to BU and had my interview before that moment but got my acceptance letter to two weeks after I saw the video and was introduced to the guys (NKOTB)

Truth: I was bullied and called names through out my young life. A lot of doubts and lack of confidence. Somehow I still dared to dream. I knew that was a lot of bigger and better things our there I did not have to buy into the crap, into the stereotypes. I held on to that and accepted that . It was thru New Kids, their love , their music. Without that..I am sure.. things would have been different. I am not being a cliché and copy catting.. the more I know..the more I learn..the more I related and love. If you can get that.. you never will. Thats my truth. Always have and always will.

Truth: The 12 years I was in is my soul home. The best years of my life. I grew, I learn and discovered what I am really made of,who I really AM,what I capable of. Lessons learned, paths crossed, mistakes made, life lived.

Truth: I probably need to see more positive male figures in my life,I am really not seeing it here. I am seeing more scrubs , moochers and fakers.

Mama did tell my six year old self to be good in school educate myself, be independent 'don't expect guys to take care of you..what if they leave you..then you have nothing” Great advice mama but ..maybe that is one of there reasons why I really don't trust man that much. There is only one man that I feel safe and trust when I am around him.

Truth: God shine his light when needed most. He knows best.
I will always be a work in progress
I am doing my human best .. then some
Its call life..Its what God has given me
I choose to wake up and be happy
I have my good days.I have my bad days
I choose to make my tequila with my lemons
That what I do
That who I am
I am the dreamer
I am a hopeless romantic
That's who I am
But don't take me for a sucka

Kuala Lumpur
October 13 2012