HOME

Home. Its a real simple word. To me its where your sprit feels at ease,feels happiness, feels joy, feels unconditional love,where you are understood.Home is a place where one would you never wonder your worth,your value.

I was diagnosed with the mosaic version of Turners at the age 13 going 14. Being a teenager is complicated enough but medical diagnosis like that sure made things just a tad more complicated.

Quoting Wikipidia : "Turner syndrome or Ullrich-Turner syndrome (also known as “Gonadal dysgenesis, encompasses several conditions, of which monosomy X (absence of an entire sex chromosome) is most common. It is a chromosomal disorder in which all or part of one of the sex chromosomes is absent (unaffected humans have 46 chromosomes, of which 2 are sex chromosomes). Typical females have 2 X chromosomes, but in Turner syndrome, one of those sex chromosomes is missing or has other abnormalities. In some cases, the chromosome is missing in some cells but not others, a condition referred to as mosaicism [2] or ‘Turner mosaicism’.Occurring in 1 out of every 2500 girls, the syndrome manifests itself in a number of ways. There are characteristic physical abnormalities, such as short stature, swelling, broad chest, low hairline,
low-set ears, and webbed necks. Girls with Turner syndrome typically experience gonadal dysfunction (non-working ovaries),which results in amenorrhea (absence of menstrual cycle) and sterility. Concurrent health concerns are also frequently present,including congenital heart disease, hypothyroidism (reduced hormone secretion by the thyroid), diabetes, vision problems, hearing concerns, and many other autoimmune diseases.[4] Finally, a specific pattern of cognitive deficits is often observed, with particular difficulties in visuospatial, mathematical, and memory areas”

Growing up not knowing for thirteen years,I compensated and managed,so maybe that was for the better. Having said that,there were definitely things that came up over the years that caused a lot of frustration to say the least but things always happen for a reason and all you can do is deal and accept it for what it is.

The diagnosis was purely accidental. I had been sick for couple of years ,faint spells and not holding food down real well, weak etc, the doctors could not figure out what was wrong one last round of blood work at the pediatrician and they thought I had ovarian cancer. The doctors wanted do a laproscopy but ended up doing a full scale surgery when I was in the OR. Next thing you know at thirteen I was flat out told thru drawing of a picture that “you don’t have a uterus and ovaries. You’d never have kids”. That was the end of that conversation.

I do love and appreciate my parents for everything they have done and given to me. I know they only did what and how they know, and they are very simple folks. They never expected ,never really knew, how to deal with me just from a personality stand point, let alone the Turners. They never got the info or help that they needed. Its was easier to deal with their “normal” daughter. It was even painfully obvious even before the diagnosis.

I was told not talk about Turners at all because to them it was shameful. I was too young to know how to handle it and being a teenager ,trying to fit in was not easy ,especially if you are already insecure from all the comparisons made between you and your younger sister ,snide remarks, school bullies,name calling in school and the constant misunderstandings and miscommunication at home. You keep quite and try to passify yourself because all you wanted was for your family to love you and that friends in school treat you well and just accept you. You muster up the strength and courage from within, put one foot infront of the other daily because of God,because deep down you know better and deep down you know you deserve better. You love,you hold on to faith and hope. Music,singing was my joy Then there was my love,my joy,my blessings and life lessons that came collectively as New Kids on The Block.

It started that the spring of 1988. A spring and summer filled with a lot of surprises and memories. I got rejection after rejection to my local college applications . Then,came the day when I got news and letter from Dean Smith from the new Boston University office here in Kuala Lumpur that they had accepted me in as a student. I was just glad and thankful that I was going to college,let alone living my dreams to go to college in the US. I was just glad I had a chance to make something out of myself and just be better.

Than, after the acceptance, there was that one fine Friday, one late afternoon in July 1988. My sister had a bunch of her friends come over to hang out I was upstairs doing my thing. I heard screams calling my name to come right down. I remember seeing about five 13 year olds watching a video. “You gotta see this you gotta see this". "What song is this? “Its The right stuff!" I first caught the line and video of "all that I need it was you..in my life you're so right..". The girls preceeded to introduce the guys one by one to me .This is Jordan ..that is Joe Jon..Donnie.. there is Danny.. I thought”wow OK this is cool..Love it". I saw Donnie’s smile..well what can you say,the rest is history. I did first feel a sense of “Damn!!those were the kinda guys you want to have on your side and hang out with!”

My sister and I are such different personalities.I always say that life dealt her a different card in life,so,we saw things differently which I had accepted over the course of time. I tried the best that any young girl could, to be the best,loving supportive older sister possible. However,from that day on,we agreed on one thing and that was Donnie. We bonded over Donnie. We agreed on how much we love the guys and the music.We sing,got silly together.Barely argued which was a blessing and for a second, there was an understanding,an acceptance, a bond a closeness that developed. Thats was literally how it started.I thank God for those moments.

I was amongst 10 of the first group that BU has ever accepted thru their campus here. Fitting in to the new “college experience” was another challenge thrown my way. I have always been rather pleasant,people person,maybe even had the tendency to people please at that point in my life . It really bothered me that I felt the negative energy and disconnected. I came to find thru an English writing exercises by the Engish professor on the short semester on the BU campus here,being that I am born ethnically Malay and Muslim, I was perceived as, "lower social status " and “a religous fanatic”. That was why she was not accepted in the group.This was in writing and it was in Malaysia a place that was suppose to "get me".I was beyond crushed.

As if the universe,God wanted to send me a message, I was watching a concert performance with Liza when I saw and heard Donnie greeted a crowd on stage with “Assalamualaikum” .As silly as it sounds when I heard Donnie said those simple Arabic greetings felt loved, accepted I always had that in me but thru Donnie I learnt to accept,love,respect others and myself unconditionally. I learnt to accept that my ideas and perception of things and others may differ ..so what?? Don’t be afraid of who you are.I began not to seek approval so much. Slowly but surely that strength came to me.

I found that special spirit in the form of Donnie Wahlberg. I saw more and more of that window to his soul as a person. It was the charm, the imperfection,the smile,the loving,spirit and heart. Joe’s sense of humor and wit,Jordan,Jon and Danny’s charm,wit and their sprits too and not to forget their tremendous talents.

Somehow I also saw myself in the guys; ordinary guys doing exraordinary things. Your life is not defined by the situation by the situation you are born into you can and will do and rise to be and do better.

Than the reality of the scarifice and what it was gonna take for everyone, for me going to Boston sets in. The biggest “coincidence” from God that I never expected in my whole entire life that I was also going to be in the same city with the guys.

I got to Boston and it took me only about three weeks to feel settled. For once in my life I felt truly happy. The feeling that you just exhaled is the best way to explain it. Your spirit just tells you “aah.. this feel just right”. I could just be myself and that was alright and enough. Just pure love and freedom for myself,from myself ,given from others,received from others. I even manage to get better medical help and understanding with the Turner’s Syndrome situation.

In 1994 the guys went their seperate ways, somehow as sad as I was, I was really OK with it. I honestly understood in my own way, and deep down, that was a road that needed to be taken. I knew that when the time is right, and when the guys sorted things out on a personal level,they’d come back together. I knew I’d still be here no matter how long it took. I’d still love and support them.I did thru all the solo projects that they did. I held to be reasons to believing and never let go. Thru all that life still went on.

The very same sister that use to love them now after a couple of years beginning just looks at we with the ” what kind of a lunatic,delusional woman are you?” Yes the same superior smug feeling that she did walk aroud growing up that caused the rift between us growing up. That came back.
Sometimes life throws you a curveballs, 1998/1999, me being sick again and hospitalized, sugeries, losing my job, bad legal advice that caused me my working VISA,my mom’s glucouma getting worse,one thing after another and it was painfully obvious that in order to be back later on, I had to leave Boston after calling the city home for almost 12 years and move back to Kuala Lumpur,Malaysia. It was damn hard but I held on to the fact that God knows what he was doing.

I decided to start Halfpint Talent Production. For the first eight months, I also became a substitute teacher at an international school here. I did what I needed to do. I never loose sight of my plan that someday I was going to once again permenantly be back in Boston. I sure as hell would try my best; Halfpint Talent was going to be that way;God willing.
Life went on in KL with at the corner of my mind the thoughts,love,support for the guys was always there in Boston,in the US. Love and miss my friends, people I call and considered family and my life there.

In 2008, I had be back in Malaysia about 8 years, rumors were flying,and getting louder that the guys getting back together.The Funky bunch spreading words, website take over . That rainy day on 4.4.08, The Today Show for the first time in 15 years we saw all 5 guys together once again as NKOTB.

Only God knows why 5 brothers and their million sisters are gven this chance again but no one is taking this forgranted. We live,grow and learn from that past and the promise is to make it better. Very few people get second chances but by God's love,grace and mercy beyond mortal human comprehension; here all of us again together again. Its crazy but feels so good and feels so right. Nothing but love,appreciation,cherish,unconditional love for each other. Appreciation and love in this relationship that not all can comprehend,some even mock and rolls eyes but thats fine, NK Army members are use to that. Now, two years of concerts,facetimes,twitter,more solo project,more group projects coming up,the emotional roller coaster. Only God has the power to take this away.

In Boston I’d always feel I’ve truly found my spirit,soul home. In the corner my heart the guys have found a permanent home for feelings and reasons I would always cherish and remember. That is home to me forever and always.


Kuala Lumpur
February 23,2010
June 6,2011