Valentine's Coming

Its exactly a week from today  and Its Valentine’s day. Love is in the air.This damn holiday and weddings as much as I hate to admit it brings me down and brings out the miserable and the insecure and mad woman in me.  it doesn’t help there a younger close cousin is getting married in about 3 months.

Don’t get me wrong. I am a sucker for love and romance but I am also an optimist realist.

Never in million years when you asked me say when I was 21, where I see myself when I turn 30, I would have told you straight faced that I knew I was going to be married.  I was going to be the superwoman having a great career,  with a wonderful loving supportive,understanding beautiful of man that I call my husband,my baby,my sweeheart,taking care of my kids.  That was how my mother, raised me I looked up that that women when I was younger.

For better for worse, she raised her kids to be strong independent woman. For better or worse that woman on my first day of school told me I’d better focus on education and not on boys  because she said she’d just take me out of school and married me off (which scared the crap out of  me). She taught and told me that men can,cheat, leave you even when you are married and you are left to you own devise to fend for yourself.It was important to her that her  children be happy and  self sufficient adults. I guess she did not trust men that much except maybe her father and her husband.

Now I am pushing 40 and I am not still married. trust me bouts of loneliness does hits.. and you tell yourself its OK. Which on certain days it is. You begin hating weddings, you don’t resent Valentine’s Day per se.. but that insecure part of you goes “..What the hell is wrong with me..Am I ever gonna be loved?”

Turner’s Syndrome  may have made me a late bloomer growing up. I raised myself  to be OK with it and took that as a chance to just get to know myself.The process was slow.But again that was just the way it is. I love the male species but the truth is young men in their teens and twenties are very physical,visual,sexual creatures. When you don’t look like a supermodel or fit certain standards of what a “beautiful woman” should be. As a young lady you are going to have issues.  Let alone the fact you know you can’t have children, your “womanhood” is in question big time..How do you disclose that?

I have got news for ya’ll. It is not that easy.

You want to love and open your heart and your mind but sometimes it does not happen the way you want it to.I suppose you wanted to work on yourself and thats OK but one day you wake up and found that missed the love train. You are left to your own device and prayers. The train  left you and you are trying your best to make sure you are there when the next train arrives.

You tell the truth to a guy about your medical situation  thinking this person who has known you since you were 17 could be trusted with you heart and you’d thought would accept you .Nope. He turned his back on you and shred your heart into a million pieces..Now who can you trust?

Yes I have a picture in my heart and my mind who my love should be.

Someone who loves and accepts me as me, lets me be me as do I him,unconditional love thats beyond human comprehension, who adores me as I do him, Someone who  I can be crazy ass with, be goofy with but at the same time when we need to sit down and talk things out he is there. Intellegence and beauty inside out.  Let me qualify that beauty is in the eyes the beholder.  Also,  when I tell him about Turner Syndrome he looks at me and still loves me for me and not for my ablity to reproduce and would love and support me thru the ups and down. Damn it yes!! Someone who is there for each other thru the good and the not so good times.

If you know that person let me know. Until we see and find each other, my life,my love my destiny, is in God’s hands and for now I’ll go on this merry go ride of singlehood happy. I’ll try not to puke and be sick on it. Until then those damn busy bodies and those damn insecure voices ..let me just tell you to shut the fuck up!!! Just let me be happy. Yes there I said it.