As we say goodbye to 2010

"Through the pleasure and pain,
Through the sunshine and rain,
Baby, we keep on smilin "

As all of us reflect on the the year that was 2010, we smiled big , we laughed hard till we roll of the floor, some tears were shed for the losts, for the sadness we feel, we fall, we get up and dust ourselves off,lean on the shoulders of love and feel the strength again. Just like any good soldier. Most of all we can't and won't deny the strength that we find in love,compassion and empathy. That what makes us human,what makes us beautiful. Each and everyone of us.

Thru everything that life has brought us this year,we have to be grateful,thankful,we give it our all.

Hope love,faith still floats always......

Looking forward to what the future holds..more laughs,lots more love, blessings unimaginable, brighter than you'd might even imagine for yourselves
That only God, the universe can cook up for us
So CHEERS!!! Here is to the New Year
My brothers,my sisters,my hearts,my loves
Love and blessings always

Lets kick this =)

xoxxoxoxo
Zee

p.s who knows I may just see you at the concerts =) (winks)

In this Solitude

In this solitude
I find my strength
I find surrender
Acceptance
this is what it is........
but have the strength
there is hope
there is faith


I see that face
I see that smile
Tells me
to be strong
to be cool
I get that
I feel that
Eternally grateful

In this solitude........

I feel the strength..
to trust
to love
to hold on
with every fiber of my being

That my time here is not done yet
That days I am down but never out
Life will not get bring the worse out of me
and thats a promise.....
As God and love is my guiding light....

in this solitude.........



Kuala Lumpur
December 26 2010

Owning

God help me
This is not me
When I look at them
When I look into their eyes
You know what I see
You know what I feel....
Judgment...
Anger....
Sadness....
Shame.......

Shame and sad to be me.......
making me feel never good enough


Hard to see love
Hard to be the love
when every other thought
When every other word
Is stupidity....masked in humor
plain old hurtful critism
Hard to remember....
the last loving,comforting words
thats told......


God help me
I am too far gone
I've been cut
I have been put down for far too long
Much too deep
Yeah its my fault
I own my share....
show me how to let go..........


Kuala Lumpur
December 22 2010

Leave

Just leave me alone
Leave me alone; Emptiness
Leave me alone so that my love
Can find me

Leave me alone
I want to hear my own voice
My own joy and happiness rise

Just leave me alone; Sadness
You have to make way for my sun
You have to make way for my ray to shine
Don't you dare block it
Its gonna shine so bright
Brighter than the stars ever

The misery
The loneliness
This emptiness shall end
You need to first leave me alone
You need to get out and make way for love
For it to stay longer
For it to be here for good


December 15, 2010
Kuala Lumpur

Divine Warmth Of Gratitude

Right this second
Absolute surrender
Absolute peace

Nothing is ever perfect
but you stay happy
I know you are there
I feel your arms around me
I feel your warmth
Even if it is for a split second

I smile
I know you won't ever forsake me
Love won't pass me by
I am alright
I will be alright
I will always be

Picture of you in my heart
Picture of you in my mind
with nothing but thoughts of love
nothing but thoughts of gratitude

Smile
Love
Home
Is there
Alhamdulillah


December 6 2010
Kuala Lumpur

Afar

Loving you
Thinking of you
All this from a far
All this from a distant
Its a pain
Sure... but....
You are one of the best that ever happen to me
I am OK
I take what I can get.....


Its still love
Its still there
It is what it is
Just hope you know it is
Just hope you feel it

Still love to me
Still real to me
Still human
Still unconditional


Keeping my head and heart straight
Foot on the ground
Love in heart and mind
May the good lord just help and guide me
Thru the sea of love
Thru this dance of life


Kuala Lumpur
December 3 2010

Hope and Prayers

I am begging you
with every ounce of my love
with every ounce of my gratitude
For you to please help me
Help me let go.....
Help me deal ..

The hurt
The anger
The sadness
The frustration

Not letting this get the best of me
Its not good for me
For my spirit
For my soul
For my life


I am living
I am doing
I am loving
I am smiling


I still need your love
I still need your help
I still need your guidance
Just please don't forsake me
I love you




Kuala Lumpur
December 1st 2010

Thanks

Thankful
Grateful
For God
For my life
For the air that I breathe
It might not be perfect
thats not what I hold on to
Its still beautiful with you in it

Thankful
Grateful
For my loves
For my heart
the ones that I love
for the ones that loves me back truly


Thankful
Grateful
for the love,strength,hope,faith
thats given
thats felt
its in me
its brought out
thru me
in me
to me

I am thankful
I am grateful
For all that you give
For all the love that I feel
For all the blessing that I have been given

All my love
All my thanks



Kuala Lumpur
November 24, 2010

Halfway

I know what I know
I feel what I feel
My love
My faith
My trust
I might be crazy for feeling
the way I do

How many have I said in God I trust
I am not naive
I am not stupid
I have a good head on my shoulder

But let me tell you something
As much as I love you
As much as I care
I don't beg
I don't crawl
I don't front
I don't pretend
This is me
Not playing games

Even if yes I would fight hard for you till my last breath
I will , the best way I can
never at the the expense of me
Everything that is me
not hurting others
I have my limits
I have my lines
You've got to meet me halfway
my love
my heart
You want it
You got it
Show it
Keep it real
Fight for it
thats all it takes


Kuala Lumpur
November 20 2010

Light Searching

Light Searching


Wake me up
I don't wan't a sleep
Kiss me
Put the life back into me
Hold me
Feeling like I am falling
And I don't wan't to
Don't want you to see me shattered
Give me hope
Cuz I don't wan't to give up
Am digging deep
But don't let me fall too deep into darkness
Don't let me loose myself
When all I ever wanted is to be a better person

Kuala Lumpur
Novermber 16 2010

Life's Ride

Life they say is like a box of chocolate
They say its a journey
They say its filled with ups and down
That goes without saying....
Its bitter sweet memories

Life is nothing without love,
Life is nothing without faith
its nothing without hope
Its nothing without that will and strength

Life is that much sweeter with you in it
Imagining you holding my hand,
Feeling your love
Giving me strength
Life is that much more beautiful with you in it
heart flows
heart overflows

Life has it moments
Its moments almost all has you in it
your smile
your love
your heart
Life is whats you make of it
Life is what you want it to be
Its within

Kuala Lumpur
November 7, 2010

Not Just Tonight

My love
whats inside
My faith
My believe
My trust
Its not for a moment
Its not just for a day

Its has been there
It is there
It will be there
with me
in me
For you
For me
Its there from the moment I wake up
till the moment I close my eyes


It scares me
I can't deny
But you've been a part of it
But you've been in it
For so long
that I don't care what happens anymore
I don't care whats said anymore
I just trust that voice inside of me
I just trust the divine
thats all I do
You are forever
You are everyday
not just for one night

Tell me to be rid of it
I wouldn't know how
Probably wouldn't even want to
what would I do
what would I be
without my love, my heart my joy, my pain
the one that makes me feel gratitude


Kuala Lumpur
October 30, 2010

Counting Blessings

The air I breathe
Sun shining its light on me
Moonlight cradling
To another day
Another opportunity to make it right,
another day that love,hope faith floats

Feel the strength in me
The subconciouscan at times wants
to knock you down at times,
Fight,
Never listen
Know you are bigger , better ,stronger

The love given
The love received
Eternally grateful
The joy
The love
The music
That is in my life



Kuala Lumpur
October 28 2010

Lines

Insane?
Love?
Insanity that is love?
The confusion
The clarity
The truth
The lies
The inbetween
Things we know
Things we don't know
That only God knows

Deepest purest feeling
Deepest darkenest confusion
I must have done something wrong
I must have done something right
I must have done something really right and really wrong
Cuz there you are....
Like the itch that can't,won't twitch
Because of you....

In the name of everything that is holy
In the name of everything that is beautiful and real to me
In the name in everything that is sane,pure and sacred to me
Ever since you walked into my life
It has never been the same
I love it
It drives me crazy
with my two feet firmly grounded
I love and embrace it
forever ..feeling the fool hopelessly devoted to you
Thats OK
Its not OK
whatever!!!.....

Forever
Still my beautifully perfectly imperfect
"Sayang"
"Cinta"
L..O.V.E


Kuala Lumpur
October 24,2010

Words

Words
They can make you
they can hurt you
But words
its never ever gonna break me
You may try to bring me down

I rise up
I'l show you
I am bigger
I am bigger
I am better
I am stronger

Promise myeself
Lets go of anger
Lets go of the sadness
Lets go of the frustration

It does not matter to them
so....
why should it to me?
My power is with me
no matter what people do or say
Its with me

Sunshine
Moonshine
starlight
shining my life
my soul
my spirit

You make it easier
you make it beautiful
you make me strive to be better
Find that love
Find that joy


October 18 2010
Kuala Lumpur

My Piece of Heaven On Earth

My Piece of Heaven on Earth

In the shattered pieces of this life that I have come to embrace
A life that God has given me
than I am constantly working on,
that I am a masterpiece
When all I do is have hold on to love faith strength and hope
and dreams of this shattered dreams
You my love,
are my piece of heaven on earth

When giving up
When quitting
When ending things
when darkness sets
You my sunshine,
you are my piece of heaven on earth
that shines,
that lifts me up,
the voice that tells me that I am good enough
I am love
I am worthy
My piece of heaven on earth
that forever makes me strive to be better
that I'll forever love,cherish appreciate and adore


October 13, 2010
Kuala Lumpur

Making Sense

You know why I love you?
Simply just for you
The spirit,the soul that is you
The words that comes out of you
Makes me believe in me
Makes me believe in you
Makes me believe in what is me and you

All the good that it holds
All the love that it brings
How can I ever deny that
Even till the day it ends
I am still here

You know why I love you?
Even when this masterpiece
is still in progress
You have thru all these years
Always made me want to strive to be a better masterpiece
A better person,
that is me,
thats God's love and creation

For that,
I cannot, not love you
I could, would never ever turn my back on it
Its in the deepest sanest, loving,purest part of my heart
and forever thats where it'd be

Kuala Lumpur
October 11, 2010

Note to God

Dear God

Let me start by saying that this note is not in anyway is a reflection of my lack of love for you. It is just that I need some help. I need to understand things better.I know and understand your love compassion and the wisdom that things happen for a reason and you do whats right and best for me, that you grow and you learn from anything that happens in your life. That I am very certain and appreciate.

I was never to be born. I was suppose to be just naturally aborted,having this chormosomal Turner Syndrome. I had to deal as a kid with the medical, emotional,mental,physically due to it. You gave me a life. I appreciate it I embrace it, Despite everything, Despite the real late diagnosis, I compensated and rose the best I can.

The best thing you ever gave me was Boston University and me being able to move to Boston,found unconditional love in every sense of the word.In the truest form that I have ever lived and felt. Even that,came with blood,sweat and tears. One thing started to happen after the other, only towards the end that I had really no choice but to be back in Malaysia. Age 30 without a job, no love , having to be back with mum and dad. Yeah I shed tears, I got mad but I embrace it. I thought of a game plan, I look at the opportunity ..I thought of Halfpint. Family were looking at my like I had two heads that I was making a bad choice by going into business etc. but I stood my ground.Before that I visited you at your home in Mecca with my family that year and surrender everything that was me and my life to you. Tears after tears,prayers after prayer. I turned and begged you to hear me and help me out.

Now I am 40 I have got to ask to ask you, since I have not a clue

How do you want me deal with Liza?

How do you want me to deal with Mama and Papa because it does hurt.

I am 40 single. Not because I want to but that what has been willed unto me. Because of Turners I may have been slow on certain things developmentally growing up. As an adult when I felt ready and opened up to a guy had my heart crushed by rejection. Back to the feeling that am I not worth loving. So..where is he?? where is that person for me that you promised??

You showed me,send me gave me that unconditional,loving,warmth,physical feelings in a person thats right there in front of me,thats there but yet I can't touch., near yet far. Can you please tell me how is that fair to me? How is that good for me??

But again I trust in your love...I don't know.. but you do.

I am strong, I am a fighter, I love. Just understand that I am human that I get tired.

I started Halpint, I love and enjoy what I do...thought it was the right thing for me to do, I was fired up and telling myself that "whatever the challanges was I am gonna get thru it", Little did I imagine that the environment that I left has become even more ethnocentric, racist cliquish, cowboy business mentality,social status conscious mentality,third world mentality,money politics,social politics that only got worse over the years. It has not been easy..I have got my dreams to live and I am struggling.

So now you tell me ...what I can or what need to do...

Love
Me

To you I Turn

To You I Turn

To you
My love,my heart
I turn
I look

When sadness falls
When tears rolls down
When anger looms
When frustrations sets in
You are there when joy,smiles and happiness rules the heart

Its you
to you

If you are not there
If you go away
hard to imagine my life without you in it
I take whatever is thrown my way
Knowing that I won't be forsaken
by your love
by your blessings
by your mercy


Kuala Lumpur
Septembe 29 2010

My Beautifully Perfect Imferfect

My Beautifully Perfect Imferfect

For my beautifully perfect imperfect
What do I do?
What do is say?
My head floods with thoughts
My heart floods with emotions
Things that leads me to utter dumbfoundness
Brings my lips,my mouth to utter silence,
at lost for words
Because the heart yelling louder inside
and it screams L.O.V.E
No reasoning that can ever make sense

For my beautifully perfect imperfect
What do I do?
What do I say?
For all that you do
For everything that you do
For everything that you give

I want you to know
I am with you heart ,soul,spirit
every stumble and fall I share
I am there for ya my love
I feel you
I see you
Know that...
Only the devine can stop me
I surrender to that......


For my beautifully perfect imperfect
You got me by your side
Always......

Kuala Lumpur
August 23 2010

Loving You

Smile even if when there are tears
Love even if there is hate
Believe even there is doubt
Have faith and joy even in your emptiness
Even if when you look around
You don't see it
You don't feel it

It's there
It's there

When I think of you
When I am around you
It all seems easier
My heart beams
My heart bursts
Hoping you really do feel the same
Wanting you to feel the same

I know I am and have my own life line
I am love
I am strong
You baby..
You throw that extra life line from you to me
Always bringing out the best in me
Always bringing out the strength and love in me
My love...
Thats your love to me

Smile...
Faith....
Love..
Joy...
Hope.....

July 18 2010
Kuala Lumpur

This is my confession

Call it what you want. It might be something in the universe today ,the weather here that has been stormy, causing throbbing havoc on my back,hurts like a mutha and mood..not exactly the best,things just don't feel right.

Praying that I am not going to regret this but there is this voice inside me that is screaming confessional. I am sick and tired,feeling sick and tired. It takes a lot to hold on that love faith and hope..takes a lot of damn work to be happy and positive face.Today I feel drained and need to get to that well, get to that deeper part.

Yes I am pissed. Thankful and greatful for the the air that I breath and the love and feelings , lessons learnt , that I would have not experienced had I not been alive.But I am pissed having born and having to deal with Mosaic Tuner Syndrome on a daily basis and what comes with it, no ovaries,no uterus. not able to be pregnant , messed up choromosome in the blood causing stupid things in your system.thats the inside. Don't get me started on the constant need to take the meds the toll that can take physically and financially. On the outside, all people physically see is a baby faced 40 year old 4 ft 10 woman.

Yeah..I am all about being OK with who you are.. I accept looking young "cute" "adorable", short , thats the reality; but what I do resent and hate is when the physicality affects how people see you,treat you deal with you. You resent it more it some of it even comes from your own family and they refuse to see and acknowledge it. What I hate is then when I left for Boston that went away now I am constantly reminded of it again..Its chipping away at my strength wall. Hell if I am gonna see that breakdown. I would rather die than see that happen.

I accept I am never going to be a supermodel and wether people care to admit it or not there is this unspoken, unadmitted rule about physicality...just don't freaking infantalize me... or think that my size is any measure of my ability to perform or do things, run my ow business. I may have to push thru it but I sure as hell can do it as well as the rest of the damn population. Yes... I hate to say it, the world can be filled by superficial bastards and bitches , its just to what varying degree you let that be you and from which perspective you are standing.

I hate that being sick triggered a domino effect professionally and personally that caused me to make the very very very painful decision to leave Boston and had back to Malaysia, if I were in any way was to get back there ever again.

I hate that because I was so caught up in that misery ,walking all by myself down that narrow street by Pilgrim road in Braintree,in tears, I lost the opportunity to get to know better
the man that is Ddub Sr.His frail body,face smiled,hands waved at me to come over which I did not realize till I got on to the bus headed back to my apartment. Glad I smiled and waved back but regret that I did not do more in the not knowing.


I hate that my life at nearly 40 is not what I had imagined it was when I was younger. I do want it to be better. If only I knew how. All I know is I eat pray love, hold on to love,faith and hope. I hate feeling like there is no way out and like this is big huge freaking brick wall that refuses to let me break thru. Thats what I hate. I am not a quiter, I fight.

I hate and confess that I might be loosing my joy and passion doing what i do because I am sick and tired of playing or trying to figure out the games, that people here play.socio political
business game Its taking a toll on me. There is the Malaysia for the expats and their is the Malaysia for the "locals". Thats the ugly truth of it all.

I regret, hate and confess, that at 21 on August 27 1992, despite that is great, behind the cheshire grin and happiness. The voice that was saying "who the hell do you think you are missy!! You don't deserve to be around him. Scew that shit!" That voice unfortunately was subconsiously louder. This 39 year old now, in a heartbeat bitch slap that 21 year old, for perhaps ruining the best night of her life,with that negative subconscious.

I just feel so damn tired, damn mad but the only choice that would feel right is to find that light that is beautiful inside of me, let is shine into that hell hole that is also part of reality and dig deeper into that well of love, faith and hope.....


This is my confession........

Meet me half way

I know love,life is a journey
I can't help but to see and feel you in it
I do love you
I do care
I am patient

But baby....
how long does this have to go on
I have made a damn fool of myself loving you long enough
I know how it started
I just don't know how to stop it
I don't know how to hate you
Its impossible
you are the deepest part of my heart
the deepest loving part me,my heart and my soul

Will there be a time that you would truly,really see me
Will there ever be a time that I hear the words
Will there ever be a time that I feel the love
Will the ever be a time that I feel the arms wrapped around me
Truly
madly
deeply
For me to be sure
I just want to know that its real
I am not stupid
I am not crazy

I feel it in my heart
I want it to be
If God would hear it
If God meant it for me


June 6, 2010
Kuala Lumpur

Lake Chini 2010

Chini Lake as a little background is a lake near the Pahang River in the Central State of Pahang in Malaysia. It is inhabited by the aboroginies tribe called Jakun. The river was damned in order to maintain the lakes depth during the dry season which now has caused dispruption in the natural ecology of the lake and cause death of tree and plants on the shores due to the elvated water levels. This is affecting the surroundings and the people negatively.

On Friday May 28, 2010 aboyut 4o participants with the Malaysian Nature Society started our journey to Lake Chini on a nature/conservation trip and to live and be a part of the Jakun community in Kampung Gumum (Gumum Village), Lake Chini. We went as a convoy and prior arrangement was made during a briefing a few weeks back that Liza, Anita and I were to car pool with Edgar. We rode with him in his car. The convoy arrived there around 1 pm. We stayed at Rajan Jones Guest house (essentially a long house). Rajan got married to a Jakun woman and was accepted into the community as one of their own.

Our accomodation was as simple,basic and as real as it can get. Back to basic, core necessities.Meals were provided at the community canteen set up and home cooked by his wife and two helpers.

Lunch was served and immidiately after that we got going. Started out on a nature tour ,walk. We went right to work. We were devided into two seperate groups. Some went into the lake and
plucked out the weeds that we part of the problem in that lake, destroying the lake and the ecology. The weeds we loaded in a small "sampan". Some of us went all around the shore of that part of the lake, up the hills and did clean up.

We were given and we heard first hand accounts of whats going on with Lake Chini and the community. I was amazed and saddened at the amount of thrash that was thrown, and the hurt that is put on this beautiful piece,part of God's earth and its people.

Later that evening, there was nite jungle trekking but it was cut short because of the rain.

Saturday started early at around 6.30 am before breakfast to be served at 9 am. There was bird watching activity. At around 10 am, our group headed by Tok Batin, the head tribal chief set out on deep ends of of the forest,jungle ,palm oil plantation, heading towards the other side of the lake into another Jakun village. The chief took us thru the trail filling us with knowledge of the indegenous trees and plants,its natural values,properties that can't be found elsewhere. At one point the made an origami usable container made from "nipah" or palm leaves. He cut down a small Liyana tree branch that gave out at least half a bottle of juice from it. The Liyana just is said to to have healing and energizing properties. The juice taste really good. pure water but with a little honey added to it. It was refreshing. It did perk me up a little. We also went the thru path of destruction done by illegal logging.

We had sandwhiches that was packed for us, so we had our lunch in the jungle, sitting everywhere and anywhere that were leech free. The trekking took us about 5 solid hours before we reached another village. We then waited for the boat to pick us up and headed back to base . Too bad it was not a certain cruise boat that I am thinking of. Five hours of trekking and still standing,living to tell about it. A pat on the back for Zee. It was excitement ,exhaustion all at once ,I have to say.

After dinner that evening, we had a small last supper together and "sewang" (traditional song and dance party) which also included the Chief and Rajan. Rajan also asked Tok Batin to give out prices for the traditional arrow blow pipe that was had earlier on our arrival. He also gave out a heartfelt speech that got me all chocked up when he was talking about the situation that his are and tribe is dealing with,he said he did not want to offend anyone (translation the powers that be) but he was really appreciate our being there helping and to bring forth their plight.

We also got to know and hung out with Noor a local woman who is doing a homebased native arts and craft,herbal medicine business. A great, lovely passionate,enterprising woman. I appreciated and loved her spirit. In the middle of the sewang Liza, Anita and I took Noor up on her invite to hang out, drink herbal tea and get messages. We talked pretty much about anything and everything. She gave shoulder and foot messages using the natural oil that she produced.

On the last day, there was more bird watching for the bird enthusiast. I have indeed come to the conclusion that bird watching is a lot like golf. It can be an acquired passion/taste; shall we say, great nonetheless. I am glad that I had learned quite a bit about it and how the situation around us will and has affected the bird population in the area.

After breakfast we head on over to the UKM (Natioanal university of Malaysia) Lake Chini research Center where we had a little briefing and more explorations in their "plantation" museum of Chini Lake

We all decided to leave after that trip and just pick our bags up and head back instead of having lunch at the the site we figured we would just do that at the rest stop on the highway.
I was lucky and thankful for the wonderful people that I met on this trip that nothing but fun, wonderful and supportive I would do it again in a heartbeat and hope to be more a solution rather than a problem during my existence on this earth and I learn to remind myself not to take more than what I need from life and mother nature. Promise to do and be better.

Beautiful Dream

Thought I saw you
Thought I heard you
Thought I felt your arms
wrapped around me

The smell
The warmth
The smile
wrapped around me

I am happy
I am blessed
I am in heaven

Two of us together,
just lying there
I looked into those eyes
smiling back at smiling face
that's smiling at me
Kissing those lips
Hands held real tight,real close

My eyes opened....
There is no one there...
Sighs....
You came to me only in my dreams


May 19, 2010
Kuala Lumpur

Until the Rain Stops

Until the Rain stop
Until the time is right
Until the rain stops
Letting the sun shines thru
I'll hold on
I'll on to the dreams
I'll hold on to my faith
I'll on to the love
I'll hold on you

When it stops
I'll still hold on
What we will have will go on
What we have will shine on
Until I just don't have it in me anymore

Life is not gonna get the worse of me


Kuala Lumpur
October 9, 2009

Edited May 15 2010

It forever will be

With every fiber of my being
with every fiber of my soul
I feel hope
I feel strength

With every fiber of my being
With every fiber of my soul
I do feel blessed
Moment of love wraps me
Warms my heart
Lifts my spirit
It soars
It flies

I can never deny it
I can never push it away
That what nutures me
That what feeds me
That what brings me love
and gives me joy
How can it not be apart of me?
It forever will be
It always will be


Kuala Lumpur
April 25 2010

Death is the only certainty

Apologize before hand if I sound "preachy"

Last night I got a phone call from L. Our She told me that our mutual friend Lil's husband had past away Saturday. Apparently it was a untended heart attack when he was playing soccer. I got to know him as friend and such an all around great guy; husband and dad....

We all know that nothing is ever certain in live but death, but I was still sad and shocked when I heard that. They have two beautiful children. The youngest baby just turned one. My heart breaks when I think of them. It breaks when I think of Lil. He was the best love,blessed thing that could have ever happen to that lovely beautiful,strong woman I know.


I have always lead my life with this in mind...

I believe that you do have a higher power that you answer to when you live and die. Having said that that higher power would want us to enjoy the precious life and the borrowed time that we have on this earth the best,loving,balanced way humanly possible..

Death is a certainty but that should not get you to have the fear to live

Live your life like you love God (you love God..You love each other, you treat each other right)

Live like you are gonna live this earth tomorrow

RIP Shahrul You are loved and will be missed but forever in our hearts and soul...

Thank you for everything my friend


Al Fatihah
God's love always

Our love

Should I close my eyes
I just want you to know
I love
I adore
I cherish
I appreciate you
Always...
My love
My heart


I may love you more than you love me
I'll never know....
I may be the many loves in the crowd
I may not find out the answers for our paths crossing
I may die wishing that you would truly see me
truly truly truly see me

But
I die with no regrets
With that risk that I took
With that love I feel
With that strength
with the courage....
The joy....
I feel that you bring and give
I would never regret that

I take that to my grave
Not a tear I shed for those moments we have
Not a tear shed for what we shared
my love
my sunshine


Kuala Lumpur
April 20 2010

You lost Me

You lost me
I am gone
I am done trying
Seeking your love
Seeking your approval

You lost me
I am gone
You pick at me
You hurt me
I am done spending time
trying to talk and it all turns out wrong
ooh the arguments

You lost me
I am gone
Being treated and looked at like shit
Looked at negatively

You lost me
I am done
trying to get you to hear me
trying to get you to understand me


You lost me
I am done
I find the love and strength,serenity
in the ones that do love,care and accept
You say I have changed
No!
I may have just gotten stronger
to stand and be on my own
If that makes me a bitch
than I guess I am
than I surrender to that

Dear god all I ask is for your
love,mercy forgiveness
for you to give me strength
Just love, protect and bless me
thats all I ask


Kuala Lumpur
April 15 2010

Letting Be

Letting Be

I am letting be
I can't help it
I wondered about it
I stopped fighting it
Loving you was the easiest thing
that thas ever happened to me
Letting you go...
Can't fathom it
can't imagine it
Hard to

The joy that you bring
The love that I feel
the smile that it brings
The reason that I know,is what I know
The reasons that keeps my heart on solid ground
is what I hold on to

If God wants me to let you go
He'd let me know
I am sure he would
For now he hasn't
Not sure if he ever will

I trust him with my life
I love him with my heart
I love me
I trust me
I trust you
I love you
Sincerely with all my being and heart
With that I surrender
With that I accept


Kuala Lumpur
April 11, 2010

My Promise,My Lesson

This is a promise
This is my life lesson
Love,forgiveness,acceptance,surrender

I can't deny how I hurt
I can't deny how I bleed
I can't deny how I feel
because you only do what you know what to do

God help me
the truth is there are times
I look at you
I feel anger
I feel resentment
I feel hurt
Maybe even hatred
For your actions
for your attitude
It cuts me
It hurts me

Now
I ask of you God
the one I love
in my imperfect ways
my light
my guide


I am not gonna let the hurt control me
I am not gonna let anger consume me..eat away at me
There is the love in me
There is the light in me
There is the strength in me
Thats gonna guide me


I will never go wrong with that
I'll never stray with that

Kuala Lumpur
April 5, 2010

Push Me

I make no apologies
I am who I am
Yes it hurts
You make me feel less than who I am
Because I am not you
That I don't do things that you want me to do
That I don't share all your believes or values
That for me things are more shades of grey..not always black or white..
All the time
I am still God's creation


Don't tell me how to be
Don't tell me how to lead my life
Who's to say I am wrong
Who's to say I am right
I have to trust me
God and light is in me

Don't tell me I am less in his eyes
If I don't do things in a certain way
If I don't act a certain way
If I don't think a certain way

I will fight
God have mercy
I will fight
Don't freaking push me
God have mercy
You will regret it!




Kuala Lumpur
March 31 2010

In my heart

I am angry
I am sad
I am hurt
I am hopeful
God,faith and strength heals me
I deserve better

I don't belong here
I am born in the wrong place different time
It feels like
But I know
What God gave me
Made me the person I am today
God does not create junk
and I am not a mistake

You try to box me in
You suffocate me
You mock me
You make me feel less than..
You diss me
You don't love me
I am the the ungrateful bitch ....
Because I have my own ideas
I have my own opinions
They are not like yours
You can't handle that
You can't love that

I have to be strong
I have to be hang on
Hang on to the love
hang on to the faith
Hang on to hope
Cuz without it
Life is not worth living


Kuala Lumpur
March 29 2010

An encounter to remember

I was just waiting for my sis to be done with her dance class and we would head out together to meet up and hang out with our cousin and her fiance and walked into the pharmacy. On my way out after getting what I needed, one of the pharmacy staff stopped me. They had this contraption and was doing BMI test. She says " come on why don't you do it!". I somehow found it real easy to say "fine..I'll do this" tho I know what I was going to find out would be less the perfect.But somehow, I did not care.

She sat me down to talk about what the numbers from the machine meant. I am not sure what vibe she picked up from me. She started to talk about her efforts to get healthier and shed some of her weight etc and that somehow lead to her telling me about a year ago she got into and accident,got into a coma,and how she found herself in a near life experience. How she saw the light etc. You hear these things and I never doubted it but it was th first time anyone has ever personally talked to me about it. She talked about how it changed her life. She lived her life more in love,forgiveness,compassion and more in the moment. She talked about her relationship with God,family,her loved ones.


She hit more than few nerves on me I have got to admit. She kinda pegged me right on certain level. I swear, in my head I was saying.."OK what is God and the universe is trying to talk and tell me something now. I got teary. Darn it! after she was done, it was the first time in ages that a total and complete stranger smiled and gave me a hug. It felt like somehow an angel hugged me and telling me that no matter whatever happens I was going to be OK. That was what I felt like. Just let go. Just surrender. Its going to be OK. Just got to be open to the lessons and what the universe is trying to tell you. Hopefully and feels like I maybe on the right track after all, tho I can always do and be better. AMEN.....

Always and forever a work in progress till the day I die.

Ramblings of Love

H just got back from a trip and I hadn't spoken or heard her voice in a while so I decided to catch up with her and call.  We always have a  great,fun times when we talk and somehow the conversation led to me making a comment on we are strong, independent women and how it takes a special kind of men to be able to see, love,accept us for who we are. The both us have always agreed that the last thing the both of us ever wanted was to be in a relationship that requires us to change who are we are and just makes us feel boxed in, feeling suffacated. Compromise is necessity at times I feel but asking the other person to completely change? Thats another beast all together. I know I am not going to settle for that. I would never ask the person I really care to change who they are. Isn't that who I fell for???  Relationship is all about respect love ,acceptance.

After we hung up cuz H had to go back to her teaching,  my mind took  me to the twitter trending topic a few days ago  that went something like #youarestillsinglebecause. H and I have been accused of a lot of things for our singlehood in this culture..from being "choosy", "arrogant","aggresive" someone has even told me that I have to up my presentation i.e grooming..loose the weight, because being brown, "short"  and "fat" ain't ideal in her world (true story and this was rather recent.

I also just heard this comment "the less attention you give someone, the more they'll give you." which in all honesty for me is a bunch of crap that just ruins relationship..if ya ask me and only a bitter sceptic came up with. What is so wrong with the right dose of love,attention,nuture and understanding that is given to the important relationship in your life? Whats up with the games??? I am a hater of games.Its a turn off for me. I don't know how to play games in business,life and relationship. For better or worse that is who I am . If it means I get hurt in the process, at least I know I am living and living my love and truth.

When I feel genuinely  connected to the person and he sees and accepts me with all that I am ; the beauty the flaws, the Turner Syndrome, worthy of my love and each other. I  know thats the person ,the time arrives.. I'll be ready to receive.

Until then ... I am just gonna say Alhamdulillah..thank you God.. and be happy.......

Did I???

Did I yet again made the mistake
Like I did with him..
by telling him the truth about me
by telling you the truth about me


Did I turn you off
I don't know
Because I know you know
and you did not say a thing
You have been in your silence
I know you see me there
and you choose to ignore me

I tell myself
Whatever you think don't matter
I'd be lying if it didn't hurt
Thinking you think less of me for what I have done

I put my trust in you
I made a fool of myself yet again

I am fighting back tears
When will this end?


Kuala Lumpur
March 10 2010

Hope Floats

   Sure things has its ups and down
   I am not gonna deny the darkness that I see and feel
   I can't deny that I feel that I feel sucked in
   But I never one to let life get the best of me
   Never.....

   here I am sitting here
   I am thinking of you
   Will I ever find a way to stand tall beside you
   Only God knows

    Have got to get my head straight,
    Always have,always will
   Tho I know what my heart feels
   Tho I know what my mind says

    Whatever happens
    I will be great
    I will happy
    I will be fine
    God as my witness
    God as my guide


    Kuala Lumpur
    March 3, 2010

Will This Ever Stop

 I am tired

 I am drained

 can't take this anymore

 Too may people

 To many games

  I don't want them

  I just want happiness

  I just want to hold and love you

  I can't fight for  your love

  Not gonna claw

  Its been a while

  Either you see me or you don't

  Either its love or its not

  You have to meet me half way

  I have made an ass of myself  for you long enough

  I can take this anymore

  I won't take it anymore

  Kuala Lumpur

  March 1, 2010

   

Let be

   I think of you
   I love you
   I care about you
   I want you


   If only you want me too.......


   Is that soo wrong??


   You don't see me
   The way  I see you


    Someday ..you will
    I pray..I surrender... 


    All I ever wanted is for you to be happy
    All I ever wanted is for me to be happy


    Whatever that maybe.......


   I'll let love be
   I'll just let dreams be
   just let the vision be
  
   The vision of love
   The vision of ever after
   Just let me be happy


    You;ll always have a special part in my heart
    I surrender...




  Kuala Lumpur
  February 29 2010

  


    

When all you can do....

Life isn't all bed of roses, peaches and cream all the time. It will throw you hard knocks and curve ball. ALL of us have gone thru it and have our crosses to bare. When this happens ,when devestation hits,depression and questions set in; all you can do is really put one feet in front of each other,dust yourself off,smile and count your blessing. Seeing the huge, to what seems to be minuscule. You do the best that you can and rise about the cards that you have been dealt  with.

Trust me I get that it is easier said than done, and it can be a slow and painful process but is the alternative choice a beautiful one?I highly doubt it.

I may not have a lot but what I do have  or maybe the fact is I do have a lot; for the people in my life, I am thankful for. I am blessed .I adore love and cherish every single thing.. every single one of my loves. For better or worse I carry that with me always.

Love and prayers going out the Chilean brothers and sisters, those affected by the earthquake or the tsunami. God's love and blessings always.

http://mashable.com/2010/02/27/chile-relief/

Takkan Ku Ratapi/ No Tears

Takkan Ku ratapi
Sayangku padamu

 Takkan ku ratapi
 Kau tiada disisku

Takkan ku ratapi
Begini diriku
Begini takdirku
Begini hidupku

Semuanya ditangan yang  Esa
Takkan ku ratapi segalanya
Aku  akan redha
Aku berdiri tegak
aku akan bergerak
aku akan berjaya
Aku tetap hidup
Aku tetap bernyawa


________________________________________________________

(translation)

No Tears

Not shedding a tear
Thinking how much I love you

Not shedding a tear
thinking that you  are not by my side

Not shedding a tear
Looking at my life
This is all fated

Its all in the hands of God

Not shedding a tear
No regrets
I'll accept it
I stand tall
I stand strong
Despite everything

I'm still breathing
I'm still living
I'll soar even higher



February 26 2010
Kuala Lumpur

Free

I can't look at you
I can't  talk to you
Why?

Every other word is critism
Every other word is contempt
Don't tell me I don't try and talk to you
You just don't wanna hear
You just don't wanna know

I can't dress properly
I don't believe everything that you do
I don't have sense of humor
I am the one that "needs to be taught  a lesson"
How old do you think I am?

 When was the last loving word you said?
 You know what?
 I can't even remember
 Don't sit there and pass judgement
 Don't sit there and put it all on me

I know
I am letting go
I am saying my forgiveness
I'll keep on for my sake
Cuz being angry at you
Hating you
Being constantly angry at you
Is not doing me any good


February 26 2010
Kuala Lumpur

Belong

I belong far away from here
Where spirits soar
Wings spread
Fear subsides
Love and acceptance rule

I belong where no question lies,
Of my humanity, believes, of myself!

I belong in your arms
In your heart
Where I feel peace
Where I feel contentment
Where I see nothing but beauty
That beautiful face
Your beautiful eyes
Your beautiful smile
Your beautiful heart and spirit
Where we embrace all of our beauty and all our imperfections

I belong where I feel nothing but strength and courage
That’s where God lies
That’s where home is
That’s where my heart is

Love Dichotomy

I am blessed the day you came into my life
I am cursed the day you came into my life

I love that I love you
I hate that I love you

You see me
You don't see me
You know me
You don't know me

I need this to change
I need to move on
but I don't know how
Can't imagine my life without you
Its lfe without love
its life without music

After all these year
Its still there
Its never gone
Even after you left
Even after I thought I'd let you go into her arms
Like that love that never dies
Like that pain that would never go away

I was fine
Wish you hadn't shown up at my doorstep again
Looking the way you do
Doing the things you do
Saying the things you say

I am holding on to reality
You bring back the love and dream

What the hell am I to do?
You can't do this to me


Kuala Lumpur
February 24, 2009

This much I know

For the strength you gave
For the love shared
For the life lessons learnt
For your mind, body and spirit
For the courage that you gave
For the laughter and tears shared
That you may or may not know
For you just being you
It has always been that way
It always will,
Even when this ride stops
Never felt this way for anyone else
I thank you
I love you
I cherish and appreciate you
The truth too,
That there were days
I am singing I hate myself for loving you
But today
For right now,
I surrender,
To you
To love
To God

Kuala Lumpur
September 10,2008 

Valentine's Coming

Its exactly a week from today  and Its Valentine’s day. Love is in the air.This damn holiday and weddings as much as I hate to admit it brings me down and brings out the miserable and the insecure and mad woman in me.  it doesn’t help there a younger close cousin is getting married in about 3 months.

Don’t get me wrong. I am a sucker for love and romance but I am also an optimist realist.

Never in million years when you asked me say when I was 21, where I see myself when I turn 30, I would have told you straight faced that I knew I was going to be married.  I was going to be the superwoman having a great career,  with a wonderful loving supportive,understanding beautiful of man that I call my husband,my baby,my sweeheart,taking care of my kids.  That was how my mother, raised me I looked up that that women when I was younger.

For better for worse, she raised her kids to be strong independent woman. For better or worse that woman on my first day of school told me I’d better focus on education and not on boys  because she said she’d just take me out of school and married me off (which scared the crap out of  me). She taught and told me that men can,cheat, leave you even when you are married and you are left to you own devise to fend for yourself.It was important to her that her  children be happy and  self sufficient adults. I guess she did not trust men that much except maybe her father and her husband.

Now I am pushing 40 and I am not still married. trust me bouts of loneliness does hits.. and you tell yourself its OK. Which on certain days it is. You begin hating weddings, you don’t resent Valentine’s Day per se.. but that insecure part of you goes “..What the hell is wrong with me..Am I ever gonna be loved?”

Turner’s Syndrome  may have made me a late bloomer growing up. I raised myself  to be OK with it and took that as a chance to just get to know myself.The process was slow.But again that was just the way it is. I love the male species but the truth is young men in their teens and twenties are very physical,visual,sexual creatures. When you don’t look like a supermodel or fit certain standards of what a “beautiful woman” should be. As a young lady you are going to have issues.  Let alone the fact you know you can’t have children, your “womanhood” is in question big time..How do you disclose that?

I have got news for ya’ll. It is not that easy.

You want to love and open your heart and your mind but sometimes it does not happen the way you want it to.I suppose you wanted to work on yourself and thats OK but one day you wake up and found that missed the love train. You are left to your own device and prayers. The train  left you and you are trying your best to make sure you are there when the next train arrives.

You tell the truth to a guy about your medical situation  thinking this person who has known you since you were 17 could be trusted with you heart and you’d thought would accept you .Nope. He turned his back on you and shred your heart into a million pieces..Now who can you trust?

Yes I have a picture in my heart and my mind who my love should be.

Someone who loves and accepts me as me, lets me be me as do I him,unconditional love thats beyond human comprehension, who adores me as I do him, Someone who  I can be crazy ass with, be goofy with but at the same time when we need to sit down and talk things out he is there. Intellegence and beauty inside out.  Let me qualify that beauty is in the eyes the beholder.  Also,  when I tell him about Turner Syndrome he looks at me and still loves me for me and not for my ablity to reproduce and would love and support me thru the ups and down. Damn it yes!! Someone who is there for each other thru the good and the not so good times.

If you know that person let me know. Until we see and find each other, my life,my love my destiny, is in God’s hands and for now I’ll go on this merry go ride of singlehood happy. I’ll try not to puke and be sick on it. Until then those damn busy bodies and those damn insecure voices ..let me just tell you to shut the fuck up!!! Just let me be happy. Yes there I said it.

HOME

Home. Its a real simple word. To me its where your sprit feels at ease,feels happiness, feels joy, feels unconditional love,where you are understood.Home is a place where one would you never wonder your worth,your value.

I was diagnosed with the mosaic version of Turners at the age 13 going 14. Being a teenager is complicated enough but medical diagnosis like that sure made things just a tad more complicated.

Quoting Wikipidia : "Turner syndrome or Ullrich-Turner syndrome (also known as “Gonadal dysgenesis, encompasses several conditions, of which monosomy X (absence of an entire sex chromosome) is most common. It is a chromosomal disorder in which all or part of one of the sex chromosomes is absent (unaffected humans have 46 chromosomes, of which 2 are sex chromosomes). Typical females have 2 X chromosomes, but in Turner syndrome, one of those sex chromosomes is missing or has other abnormalities. In some cases, the chromosome is missing in some cells but not others, a condition referred to as mosaicism [2] or ‘Turner mosaicism’.Occurring in 1 out of every 2500 girls, the syndrome manifests itself in a number of ways. There are characteristic physical abnormalities, such as short stature, swelling, broad chest, low hairline,
low-set ears, and webbed necks. Girls with Turner syndrome typically experience gonadal dysfunction (non-working ovaries),which results in amenorrhea (absence of menstrual cycle) and sterility. Concurrent health concerns are also frequently present,including congenital heart disease, hypothyroidism (reduced hormone secretion by the thyroid), diabetes, vision problems, hearing concerns, and many other autoimmune diseases.[4] Finally, a specific pattern of cognitive deficits is often observed, with particular difficulties in visuospatial, mathematical, and memory areas”

Growing up not knowing for thirteen years,I compensated and managed,so maybe that was for the better. Having said that,there were definitely things that came up over the years that caused a lot of frustration to say the least but things always happen for a reason and all you can do is deal and accept it for what it is.

The diagnosis was purely accidental. I had been sick for couple of years ,faint spells and not holding food down real well, weak etc, the doctors could not figure out what was wrong one last round of blood work at the pediatrician and they thought I had ovarian cancer. The doctors wanted do a laproscopy but ended up doing a full scale surgery when I was in the OR. Next thing you know at thirteen I was flat out told thru drawing of a picture that “you don’t have a uterus and ovaries. You’d never have kids”. That was the end of that conversation.

I do love and appreciate my parents for everything they have done and given to me. I know they only did what and how they know, and they are very simple folks. They never expected ,never really knew, how to deal with me just from a personality stand point, let alone the Turners. They never got the info or help that they needed. Its was easier to deal with their “normal” daughter. It was even painfully obvious even before the diagnosis.

I was told not talk about Turners at all because to them it was shameful. I was too young to know how to handle it and being a teenager ,trying to fit in was not easy ,especially if you are already insecure from all the comparisons made between you and your younger sister ,snide remarks, school bullies,name calling in school and the constant misunderstandings and miscommunication at home. You keep quite and try to passify yourself because all you wanted was for your family to love you and that friends in school treat you well and just accept you. You muster up the strength and courage from within, put one foot infront of the other daily because of God,because deep down you know better and deep down you know you deserve better. You love,you hold on to faith and hope. Music,singing was my joy Then there was my love,my joy,my blessings and life lessons that came collectively as New Kids on The Block.

It started that the spring of 1988. A spring and summer filled with a lot of surprises and memories. I got rejection after rejection to my local college applications . Then,came the day when I got news and letter from Dean Smith from the new Boston University office here in Kuala Lumpur that they had accepted me in as a student. I was just glad and thankful that I was going to college,let alone living my dreams to go to college in the US. I was just glad I had a chance to make something out of myself and just be better.

Than, after the acceptance, there was that one fine Friday, one late afternoon in July 1988. My sister had a bunch of her friends come over to hang out I was upstairs doing my thing. I heard screams calling my name to come right down. I remember seeing about five 13 year olds watching a video. “You gotta see this you gotta see this". "What song is this? “Its The right stuff!" I first caught the line and video of "all that I need it was you..in my life you're so right..". The girls preceeded to introduce the guys one by one to me .This is Jordan ..that is Joe Jon..Donnie.. there is Danny.. I thought”wow OK this is cool..Love it". I saw Donnie’s smile..well what can you say,the rest is history. I did first feel a sense of “Damn!!those were the kinda guys you want to have on your side and hang out with!”

My sister and I are such different personalities.I always say that life dealt her a different card in life,so,we saw things differently which I had accepted over the course of time. I tried the best that any young girl could, to be the best,loving supportive older sister possible. However,from that day on,we agreed on one thing and that was Donnie. We bonded over Donnie. We agreed on how much we love the guys and the music.We sing,got silly together.Barely argued which was a blessing and for a second, there was an understanding,an acceptance, a bond a closeness that developed. Thats was literally how it started.I thank God for those moments.

I was amongst 10 of the first group that BU has ever accepted thru their campus here. Fitting in to the new “college experience” was another challenge thrown my way. I have always been rather pleasant,people person,maybe even had the tendency to people please at that point in my life . It really bothered me that I felt the negative energy and disconnected. I came to find thru an English writing exercises by the Engish professor on the short semester on the BU campus here,being that I am born ethnically Malay and Muslim, I was perceived as, "lower social status " and “a religous fanatic”. That was why she was not accepted in the group.This was in writing and it was in Malaysia a place that was suppose to "get me".I was beyond crushed.

As if the universe,God wanted to send me a message, I was watching a concert performance with Liza when I saw and heard Donnie greeted a crowd on stage with “Assalamualaikum” .As silly as it sounds when I heard Donnie said those simple Arabic greetings felt loved, accepted I always had that in me but thru Donnie I learnt to accept,love,respect others and myself unconditionally. I learnt to accept that my ideas and perception of things and others may differ ..so what?? Don’t be afraid of who you are.I began not to seek approval so much. Slowly but surely that strength came to me.

I found that special spirit in the form of Donnie Wahlberg. I saw more and more of that window to his soul as a person. It was the charm, the imperfection,the smile,the loving,spirit and heart. Joe’s sense of humor and wit,Jordan,Jon and Danny’s charm,wit and their sprits too and not to forget their tremendous talents.

Somehow I also saw myself in the guys; ordinary guys doing exraordinary things. Your life is not defined by the situation by the situation you are born into you can and will do and rise to be and do better.

Than the reality of the scarifice and what it was gonna take for everyone, for me going to Boston sets in. The biggest “coincidence” from God that I never expected in my whole entire life that I was also going to be in the same city with the guys.

I got to Boston and it took me only about three weeks to feel settled. For once in my life I felt truly happy. The feeling that you just exhaled is the best way to explain it. Your spirit just tells you “aah.. this feel just right”. I could just be myself and that was alright and enough. Just pure love and freedom for myself,from myself ,given from others,received from others. I even manage to get better medical help and understanding with the Turner’s Syndrome situation.

In 1994 the guys went their seperate ways, somehow as sad as I was, I was really OK with it. I honestly understood in my own way, and deep down, that was a road that needed to be taken. I knew that when the time is right, and when the guys sorted things out on a personal level,they’d come back together. I knew I’d still be here no matter how long it took. I’d still love and support them.I did thru all the solo projects that they did. I held to be reasons to believing and never let go. Thru all that life still went on.

The very same sister that use to love them now after a couple of years beginning just looks at we with the ” what kind of a lunatic,delusional woman are you?” Yes the same superior smug feeling that she did walk aroud growing up that caused the rift between us growing up. That came back.
Sometimes life throws you a curveballs, 1998/1999, me being sick again and hospitalized, sugeries, losing my job, bad legal advice that caused me my working VISA,my mom’s glucouma getting worse,one thing after another and it was painfully obvious that in order to be back later on, I had to leave Boston after calling the city home for almost 12 years and move back to Kuala Lumpur,Malaysia. It was damn hard but I held on to the fact that God knows what he was doing.

I decided to start Halfpint Talent Production. For the first eight months, I also became a substitute teacher at an international school here. I did what I needed to do. I never loose sight of my plan that someday I was going to once again permenantly be back in Boston. I sure as hell would try my best; Halfpint Talent was going to be that way;God willing.
Life went on in KL with at the corner of my mind the thoughts,love,support for the guys was always there in Boston,in the US. Love and miss my friends, people I call and considered family and my life there.

In 2008, I had be back in Malaysia about 8 years, rumors were flying,and getting louder that the guys getting back together.The Funky bunch spreading words, website take over . That rainy day on 4.4.08, The Today Show for the first time in 15 years we saw all 5 guys together once again as NKOTB.

Only God knows why 5 brothers and their million sisters are gven this chance again but no one is taking this forgranted. We live,grow and learn from that past and the promise is to make it better. Very few people get second chances but by God's love,grace and mercy beyond mortal human comprehension; here all of us again together again. Its crazy but feels so good and feels so right. Nothing but love,appreciation,cherish,unconditional love for each other. Appreciation and love in this relationship that not all can comprehend,some even mock and rolls eyes but thats fine, NK Army members are use to that. Now, two years of concerts,facetimes,twitter,more solo project,more group projects coming up,the emotional roller coaster. Only God has the power to take this away.

In Boston I’d always feel I’ve truly found my spirit,soul home. In the corner my heart the guys have found a permanent home for feelings and reasons I would always cherish and remember. That is home to me forever and always.


Kuala Lumpur
February 23,2010
June 6,2011

Not sure where to begin .. am just  a simple girl..simple woman trying to live her life the best way she knows how. Despite certain things that life throws her way. I guess thats the best way to describe me  God loving, joy seeking, fun loving, truth living,bullshit hating spirit of the earth.

Why am I foolish,smart or crazy enough to do this. maybe the truth of the matter is to be heard and understood.Not to be selfish or anything. Maybe by the grace of God, my my ramblings would help someone else to maybe feel that they are not alone.

Simply put....

Now pardon my ramblings

Here we Go....

Hope you enjoy it.