Note to God

Dear God

Let me start by saying that this note is not in anyway is a reflection of my lack of love for you. It is just that I need some help. I need to understand things better.I know and understand your love compassion and the wisdom that things happen for a reason and you do whats right and best for me, that you grow and you learn from anything that happens in your life. That I am very certain and appreciate.

I was never to be born. I was suppose to be just naturally aborted,having this chormosomal Turner Syndrome. I had to deal as a kid with the medical, emotional,mental,physically due to it. You gave me a life. I appreciate it I embrace it, Despite everything, Despite the real late diagnosis, I compensated and rose the best I can.

The best thing you ever gave me was Boston University and me being able to move to Boston,found unconditional love in every sense of the word.In the truest form that I have ever lived and felt. Even that,came with blood,sweat and tears. One thing started to happen after the other, only towards the end that I had really no choice but to be back in Malaysia. Age 30 without a job, no love , having to be back with mum and dad. Yeah I shed tears, I got mad but I embrace it. I thought of a game plan, I look at the opportunity ..I thought of Halfpint. Family were looking at my like I had two heads that I was making a bad choice by going into business etc. but I stood my ground.Before that I visited you at your home in Mecca with my family that year and surrender everything that was me and my life to you. Tears after tears,prayers after prayer. I turned and begged you to hear me and help me out.

Now I am 40 I have got to ask to ask you, since I have not a clue

How do you want me deal with Liza?

How do you want me to deal with Mama and Papa because it does hurt.

I am 40 single. Not because I want to but that what has been willed unto me. Because of Turners I may have been slow on certain things developmentally growing up. As an adult when I felt ready and opened up to a guy had my heart crushed by rejection. Back to the feeling that am I not worth loving. So..where is he?? where is that person for me that you promised??

You showed me,send me gave me that unconditional,loving,warmth,physical feelings in a person thats right there in front of me,thats there but yet I can't touch., near yet far. Can you please tell me how is that fair to me? How is that good for me??

But again I trust in your love...I don't know.. but you do.

I am strong, I am a fighter, I love. Just understand that I am human that I get tired.

I started Halpint, I love and enjoy what I do...thought it was the right thing for me to do, I was fired up and telling myself that "whatever the challanges was I am gonna get thru it", Little did I imagine that the environment that I left has become even more ethnocentric, racist cliquish, cowboy business mentality,social status conscious mentality,third world mentality,money politics,social politics that only got worse over the years. It has not been easy..I have got my dreams to live and I am struggling.

So now you tell me ...what I can or what need to do...

Love
Me