Light Searching

Lowlights,
Highlights,
Sunshine,
Moonshine,
Missing you,
Wondering,
Praying.

Wishing things were different,
Grateful that they even exist,

Turn around you see....
There is love,
Look .......
There is abundance,
You wonder....
Will it even be mine?
But..
You tell yourself
Have faith!
You got to believe!
Don't be silly!

You know it will,
but you still wonder .....
Got to shut that voice up!


Kuala Lumpur
December 23, 2012

Not Here, ,Not Now

My fear
The longer I am here
The further away I am......
From You...
From Love....
From who I am …
To see what I need to see..
To be where I need to be...

Its taking its own time,
Far too long...
God has his reasons....


Getting harder to feel the love,
How can you keep it,
or can you even hold on to it ,
Takes to much strength,
Questioning..
Do I even have it..
I know what the damn answer is....


Feel I am drifting away,
Feel that you are drifting away
It's not what I want
Not goodbye
Hard to let go..
The one shining love ,light in your life,
Don't wanna lose Me...


It might just be the whispers of sadness talking,
I surrender everything,
I know for sure..I don't have all the answers...
Only God does.
My faith is tested..sometimes it is weaning....
I am only human..
But...
Love will never leave the spirit that is me.....


Kuala Lumpur
December 1, 2012

Someday

Someday

God …..
Someday I pray
For this just go away

I have dealt with your arrogance
Your cold emotions
Your I really don't give a fuck attitude
Your hurtful words

I wanted to love
I wanted to accept
There is so much I can do
So much I can be

You act like a know it all,
You are killing me with it all

Just may karma teaches you a lesson or two
Just hope you won't be hurt too bad
Thats all I pray for

God..my live is in y our hands
Show me the way....

November 21, 2012

Go On

Go on....
Do what you need to do
Say what you need to say
Be where you need to be
Just know,.....
You can still find me
I will be there
You'll always have piece of my heart
For everything that you do
For everything that you say
For the love and strength you have given
For the way you made me feel....

Love you eternally

November 18, 2012
Kuala Lumpur

Here are my truths the way I see it.

Why am I doing this. To make me freer that free , to be able to even more embrace my imperfections, my scars and to love me better. I love me.. love others better. Thats my truth and I am sticking to it , so help me God.

Truth: I am 42 years old and I own my own business, single,never been married and I live with my parents and younger sister after living 12 years independently in Boston. It never was what I had envisoned for me when I was younger. I surrender to it because certain things in life are beyond my control and I love and cherish what has crossed my path in life.

I was born with Turner Syndrome,but only diagnosed at the age of 13. I have learned that it is part of me but not who I am . It does not define me although not denying it has impacted me, my life, my relationships.

It would be something that I have to deal with on a daily basis and that I would never be a mother in the traditional sense.I have to grapple with that and made me a late bloomer in life at some point but it also smacked me into the reality of who I am as person real quick. Because when you grown up questioning your worth and value (or lack of it) you learn real quick to dig deep so you don't feel lost. I thank God for that.

Truth: I have parents that do love, given me a lot ,taught me a lot (some times realizing what me I don't like) They have their way of showing love and care , which might not necessarily be how I need it. Sociocultural and generational differences probably has a lot to do with. They had to deal with their own ,parental deaths, emotionally distant parents and verbal,emotional abuse issues. Don't tell them I said that because it would be denied. That would also explain their difficulty even until today to come grips with my diagnosis with Turner Syndrome . Many a discussions that were had and many it lead to arguments due to their disapproval of me even acknowledging and talking about it describing it as "embarassing”,that I should probably feel embarrass.

It has been really hard on them to see me as an adult, and yes that makes me resentful and angry. It has to take Liza to explain things to them for it to seem acceptable, understandable,comprehensible to them.

Truth: That has affected my connection and relationship with my only younger sister. If it weren't for that one fine Friday afternoon around July 88, I am not quite sure what would happen. That was the Friday after school that a bunch of her friends and her were watching a video that I came to know as “The Right Stuff”. I came to that TV just as Jordan and Donnie were singing “All that I need it was you ,in my life you're so right” There began her brief and my life long love with one Donnie Wahlberg and NKOTB. We never agreed and connected on much but in Donnie we bonded.

Truth: Applied to BU and had my interview before that moment but got my acceptance letter to two weeks after I saw the video and was introduced to the guys (NKOTB)

Truth: I was bullied and called names through out my young life. A lot of doubts and lack of confidence. Somehow I still dared to dream. I knew that was a lot of bigger and better things our there I did not have to buy into the crap, into the stereotypes. I held on to that positivity..faith..dreams...believed and accepted that . It was thru New Kids, their love , their music. Without that..I am sure.. things would have been different. I am not being a cliché and copy catting.. the more I know..the more I learn..the more I related and love. If you can get that.. you never will. Thats my truth. Always have and always will.

Truth: The 12 years I was in Boston...it is my soul home. The best years of my life. I grew, I learn and discovered what I am really made of,who I really AM,what I capable of. Lessons learned, paths crossed, mistakes made, life lived.

Truth: I probably need to see more positive male figures in my life,I am really not seeing it here. I am seeing more scrubs , moochers and fakers.

Mama did tell my six year old self to be good in school educate myself, be independent 'don't expect guys to take care of you..what if they leave you..then you have nothing” Great advice mama but ..maybe that is one of there reasons why I really don't trust man that much. There is only one man that I feel safe and trust when I am around him.

Truth: God shine his light when needed most. He knows best.
I will always be a work in progress
I am doing my human best .. then some
Its call life..Its what God has given me
I choose to wake up and be happy
I have my good days.I have my bad days
I choose to make my tequila with my lemons
That what I do
That who I am
I am the dreamer
I am a hopeless romantic
That's who I am
But don't take me for a sucka

Kuala Lumpur
October 13 2012

Conundrum

Confusion not knowing solution
Love,devotion accused as all delusion
Pooh Pooh

Heart feels
Brain thinks
Faith seeks
Hope leads

Explosion of Emotions
Adoration perfection in love's imperfections

Kuala Lumpur
September 29, 2012

Home

Home

Where the heart is
In your smile
In your arms

Home
Heart smiles
Feeling safe
Nothing else matters
Love rules

Mistakes were made
Lessons were learned
No regrets
I am who I am because of you
Home......

Home
I think of you
I dream of you
I pray for you
I eternally love you


Kuala Lumpur
August 25 2012

Eyes

I look at you
All I feel is that
Thats not who I wanna be
Almost feel guilty for thinking that
For feeling that,
But thats my truth

I just wish you did not loose the love
the passion
that you did not loose the joy and compassion

Thats not me
Thats not what I want my life to be
Thats not what I want my future to be
Yes its not me
And I am not you

When I look in his eyes
When I am wrapped in his love
When I am wrapped in his arms

I feel the love
I feel the sincerity
I feel safe
I feel joy
I feel happiness
I feel home
I feel God's love and blessings

Endless hope
Endless love
Endless faith and strength
Eternal Gratitude


Kuala Lumpur
June 24, 2012

Dreams

Love and hope are made of these dreams
Don't you judge
Don't you insult
Don't you put it down

Just because you are cold
Just because you may not have it
Does not make it any less
You just shut the fuck up
Shut the fuck up with your self righteouness

You get mad at me when I tell the truth
Just don't be pointing that finger at me


Kuala Lumpur
June 18, 2012

Lost and found

Lost my strength
Lost my faith
Lost my love
Could I ever?
Would I ever?

You gave it back to me
One love
One hug
One kiss
I love you
I got it back for me

Keep that piece of my heart
Just take damn good care of it
As always
You got my heart


Kuala Lumpur
June 11, 2012

NKOTBSB _Jakarta

MAY 31 ,2012
LET THE JOURNEY BEGIN

Went to One Utama and met up with Serena there.We caught the 3pm bus to the LCCT Terminal at the airport from there.

The both of us had Sharon on our minds..trying to soak everthing in.. I know I did..Sharon was suppose to go but Sharon's grandma passed away just that previous evening. Lynn another friend was going but not 5* now took over Sharon's spot and got an upgrade.

The got to the airport about 4.30 and had about and hour to hang, so we decided to head to Starbucks. Serena and I made sure at that place that every camera and phone was charged there ;) Not having the “dang my battery is dead “ ;)

Flight did go well all things considered .When we got there Jess was already there..arrived from KK the other side of Malaysia.Lynn managed to book and earlier flight and met us there from Terminal one of the Indonesian airport

Now the posse had got together and arrived

We got into a cab and head on the Mercure Ancol. We got in close to about 2300 hrs (11 pm) Jakarta time. Hotel was lovely. All of us were hungry and was too late and (yes) tired to head out so we ordered room service. (The indonesian Fried rice and that Magherita pizza was delish FYI)

We chatted ..rested...I fell asleep



JUNE 1, 2012
THE DAY HAS ARRIVE

Woke up around 6.30 AM Jakarta time.It was bright and sunny. Can't say that my heart was not beating out of my chest. No one else was up.I decided to just chill relax in a nice bubble bath that really did me good ;)

One by one the girls started to wake up. We got ready and head on downstair for the buffet breakfast.. We had some food but I had a sneaky suspicion everyone could not eat a whole lot. As we were eating breakfast, Louis Armstrong's “ What a wonderful World “ came on” .All of us knew instantly that it is was gonna be a great day :)

“I see friends shaking hands..saying how do you do..They're really saying..I love you”

Breakfst done... we had to take care of a few thing at the reception..and time to get ready...BH Indonesia is having a meet up at the same cafe where t he “VIP's” for the concert were suppose to meet.


We all got dressed up. All of of a sudden my hands were cold and I couldn't tie my scarf properly..I tried ..I had to take myself down a notch and was finally ready. Everyone got into a huddle and prayed. Off we go.......


We took a cab to Kopi Tiam Oey Restaurant   at An col Bay City Mall. We got there and the energy was amazing. Nothing like sistas meeting sistas and bruthas too ;) No one could eat ..just drink. Every was nervous and excited..Some was obviously more nervous than others.

They NKOTBSB individual standee was all over the beach across the cafe. Can we say “photo op “ time?

Helen the rep from VIP Nation came slight pass 3 PM and at the same time our group was already organized .We got our passes and ready to go :)..(Well a lot of us took that t ime to freshen up before headed up the escalator the where the holding area was gonna be.

We are Group D .

The Ultimates went in... then it was our time....

Heart beating that much faster.

Up that escalator to that holding room seem like the longest 5 minutes walk you would ever take “where the hell are they taking us??” ;)...

Group A B C B were lined up there first in front of the meet and greet room. As groups went in you could here screams coming from in there.. ;)

Victor gave us a ground rule reminder ( nice guy)

Right before we went in Helen gave one last round of ground rules reminder.

“GROUP D YOUR TURN”

In I go. We all went on to an real comfy AC room.We had to to put all our belongings on that table. We just bring ourselves in.

One last check and the door is open for Group D

There they were ...Jordan, Donnie, Joe, Danny and Jon

(This is my part of the story)

I was the first in line...there was a loud HEY!! that came from Donnie smiling and looking at me..I said a real quick hey to Jordan, Donnie was right there.. Hey said something like “HEY baby”..We hugged and it was a real long hug... a back rub ..he said “you know I've always loved you”. Good to see you” something to that effect..I had no doubt he knows me. As he was hugging me tightly got a kiss on my cheek me I said “ Babe..your twitter unfollowed me... “ I will follow you again”

Could not forget the other guys. Next , it was Joe...another “HEY!!!! Is this where you are from? “ No Joe,,Its Kuala Lumpur..I flew here for you and it about damn time too right? ” ;) He started laughing On to Danny hug, hey and smile

I started looking around “where the hell is Jon” He smiled said a loud HEY!!ensued and we hugged real tight.

Than it was time for picture taking.

Went straight to Donnie and I was right in front of him..gave me that “choke” ;) we held hands... He did not let go for the second round pic..He switched arms but still hugging me.. he rubbed my hands I rubbed his. I felt a kiss on the top of my head.

Then that was all done..One last hug kiss and as I was leaving I turned back HE screamed at me I Love you “ and “..Ya know I write wanna write you (referring to that twitter thing )

I screamed back :I love you “ ..he said “I love you “

I then preceeded to scream in the middle of the room as I was walking out... “I love you guys too and have a great show” ;) ( I was thinking did not want the rest of the guys to think or feel bad) ;)

That was all in the space of 5 - 7 minutes tops including the picture taking.
They had to get the other groups in right? ;)

Everyone left hat room with a smile and w armth in their heart and some relief and I saw some tears tho not from me ;)

We all gathered at the holding area again...after which were we lead in first into the arena.

We did have to wait for a while for the show to start. The girls and I got our spot on the left side of the stage... slightly before mid way to the “shaft” ;)



SHOWTIME

The guys sings the opening Donnie spots me..points smiles and blows a kiss.



(that'd be around 6.16)

The whole concert was amazing..... vocally the guys kicked major butt. Nothing to say but the whole thing was AMAZEBALLS..( pushing a nd shoving not so much but..somehow I was not going to let that get to me) ;)

I thought that was gonna be it and things did end on a real sweet note.

During the Encore /Finale they sang and the guys went running around...Donnie went running back to the main stage...all of a sudden he COMES RUNNING BACK TO IN FRONT OF ME..SMILES POINTS WAVES AND BLOWS A KISS before exiting the stage all together.. Serena caught that on video..than I heard 'Zee!!! he came back to say bye to you ..He came back for you”



That was how that concert ended..

We spend few mins inside while the rest of the concert goers left the venue..everyone was stunned at what an amazing had we all had had....

Went back to the hotel.. all in a happy daze really...

Another shocker the M&G pics were already up by the time we came back to the hotel





June 2, 2012
TIME TO SAY GOODBYE

Not until we had a quick walk around t he beach area had “Nasi Padang” for bruch

Got to airport enough time to do last min shopping ,had a drink at Starbucks before being called in to board the plane back to Kuala Lumpur.

Just thank you God
Jakarta..thanks for the memories

Still

In this still
The still of not knowing
In the not knowingness
I trust that you do
I will know
It will come
It will be revealed
That I will not be forsaken
There will be love
There will be abundance
I am worthy of it


Kuala Lumpur
May 11,2012

Ms Sweetypie Done

Don't blame me if a small part of me is done being "Ms Sweetypie"
and that it has not gotten me anything but being kicked to the ground...
but alas I can only be me ..whatever that maybe ...
and I do live with God and my conscience...
tho at this very moment,
truth be told,
there is a part of me that is so hugely done...


Kuala Lumpur
May 10, 2011

Be Gone

You wonder why I am mad
You wonder why I am acting bitchy
Drowning in sadness

You cut me down
You dismiss me
You insult me
You tell me I am nobody
I can't make it on my own
You don't care
You don't love
You would deny how
Your words have hurt me
I am not fighting for your love anymore


But all I can do is swallow them
because you are blood
I am not made like you
I promise myself
As God as my witness
I am not you
but you keep spewing hurt
You love chipping me into pieces
and I feel that
I see that

God I ask for your love
I ask for your mercy
Help me let go
It has to be better
It has to feel better
show me what you would have me do

Kuala Lumpur
May 4 , 2011

Inner light

Every now and then humanity dissapoints
Every and now then humanity worries and concerns
But
Everynow and then faith hope love strength floats
Love rises
It has too
Not gonna be otherwise
Thats the dream
Thats a choice


Kuala Lumpur
April 8 2012

Love Reality

Love wants to be love
Love wants to be wanted
Love wants to be needed
Love wants to be appreciated

Ego wants to feel important
Ego wants to matter
Ego feels deserving

Heart feels
Heart knows
Reality reminds
Reality tells
You are nothing but a speck in the sea of thousands
Still...
I will always be happy for you
I will always be proud of you
I would never regret you
There..here...
Eternally in love
Eternally in gratitude


Kuala Lumpur
March 20,2012

Someday Sometimes

Sometimes,
I wonder
What would me let you go
What would make me hate you
I can't seem to find the answer
Maybe I don't even want to..


The unconditional things I feel
Its making me sick with each passing year
I do hate one sided relationships
but it is what it is
I don't own you

I hear things
I hear stories
You..
Your Friends
their things
their flings
I know you are you
You are human
Sometimes it doesn't make it any easier
As much as I hate it
As much as I hate myself for thinking it
For feeling it
I see t the beauty
I see the good
I see the loving side
of the perfect imperfect

Not sure if I am wrong
Not sure if I am right
It is what it is

Wish God would help me
God just help me hate you
God just help me let you go
If thats the the best thing for me
Just stay out of my live
You mean so much to me
That its so right
That its so wrong

I don't how to stop loving you..
Maybe I don't even wanna......


March 14, 2012
Kuala Lumpur

Note To Self

Dear Self
Are you OK?

Me?
Am counting blessing
Am smiling
Am living
Am loving

But in my heart
I cry
I give my all
but sometimes it doesn't feel
Doesn't feel that I get what greatness I deserve
That I don't get the love I deserve
I feel sad
Don't know what else to do
I shut off
I surrender
I want

I wish I know what God wanted me to do
I don't ...
I admit..
I roll with the flow
I smile
I do what needs to be done
The best I can
But why.
Why do I feel that I deserve better
missing things...
Don't want that
God's blessings surroundings
I wouldn't be here if God didn't love or didn't want me
I've gotta believe it


Dear self
Smile
Hold on
Have faith
Its takes a whole lot of strength
but you will get there
Where you need to be

I love you
God loves you


Kuala Lumpur
February 8, 2012

Enough

Enough

I snapped
Enough
Enough of your bullshit
Enough of you making me feel small
I have feelings
I have my own voice
I have thoughts
I have to respect yours
So respect mine

I am human
not some property to be owned
To fit into what you want me to be
To make you feel better and happy about yourself
At my expense

I am over it
So over it
I keep saying
I keep telling
Love and respect goes both ways
Don't you cut me down and chip at me that way
I may fall at times
but I will get up
You will not get the best of me


Kuala Lumpur
January 24 2011

Today

Today
I don't know baby
I don't know how
I don't know why
I open my eyes
and all I start thinking about is you
how much I miss you
How much I wanna be home

Tears rolled
I looked and the pictures
They make me smile
It kills me inside
I wish I did not love you so much
I wish my heart did not care
I wish I did not miss things so bad

Kuala Lumpur
re-visted January 24 2012