Clouds

Deal with reality you say,
Get you heads out of the clouds you say,
You don't know my reality,
You don't know what I go thru,
You don't know what I have to deal with,
Each of us have our own story,
Even you......
I accept that
Why does it not feel like you do?


Its those clouds that cushions me,
Cushions everything that wounds,
Its those clouds that helps lift me up,
When no one else would,
When no one else cared,
When I am on it,
It makes me see more,
Shows me what needs to be done.


Be in your cold,sarcastic bubble,
Just don't taint my clouds,
Its those clouds that makes me me
You make think other wise
but it is what it is,
I am OK.
I will be even better.


Kuala Lumpur
January 31, 2013

Light Searching

Lowlights,
Highlights,
Sunshine,
Moonshine,
Missing you,
Wondering,
Praying.

Wishing things were different,
Grateful that they even exist,

Turn around you see....
There is love,
Look .......
There is abundance,
You wonder....
Will it even be mine?
But..
You tell yourself
Have faith!
You got to believe!
Don't be silly!

You know it will,
but you still wonder .....
Got to shut that voice up!


Kuala Lumpur
December 23, 2012

Not Here, ,Not Now

My fear
The longer I am here
The further away I am......
From You...
From Love....
From who I am …
To see what I need to see..
To be where I need to be...

Its taking its own time,
Far too long...
God has his reasons....


Getting harder to feel the love,
How can you keep it,
or can you even hold on to it ,
Takes to much strength,
Questioning..
Do I even have it..
I know what the damn answer is....


Feel I am drifting away,
Feel that you are drifting away
It's not what I want
Not goodbye
Hard to let go..
The one shining love ,light in your life,
Don't wanna lose Me...


It might just be the whispers of sadness talking,
I surrender everything,
I know for sure..I don't have all the answers...
Only God does.
My faith is tested..sometimes it is weaning....
I am only human..
But...
Love will never leave the spirit that is me.....


Kuala Lumpur
December 1, 2012

Someday

Someday

God …..
Someday I pray
For this just go away

I have dealt with your arrogance
Your cold emotions
Your I really don't give a fuck attitude
Your hurtful words

I wanted to love
I wanted to accept
There is so much I can do
So much I can be

You act like a know it all,
You are killing me with it all

Just may karma teaches you a lesson or two
Just hope you won't be hurt too bad
Thats all I pray for

God..my live is in y our hands
Show me the way....

November 21, 2012

Go On

Go on....
Do what you need to do
Say what you need to say
Be where you need to be
Just know,.....
You can still find me
I will be there
You'll always have piece of my heart
For everything that you do
For everything that you say
For the love and strength you have given
For the way you made me feel....

Love you eternally

November 18, 2012
Kuala Lumpur

Here are my truths the way I see it.

Why am I doing this. To make me freer that free , to be able to even more embrace my imperfections, my scars and to love me better. I love me.. love others better. Thats my truth and I am sticking to it , so help me God.

Truth: I am 42 years old and I own my own business, single,never been married and I live with my parents and younger sister after living 12 years independently in Boston. It never was what I had envisoned for me when I was younger. I surrender to it because certain things in life are beyond my control and I love and cherish what has crossed my path in life.

I was born with Turner Syndrome,but only diagnosed at the age of 13. I have learned that it is part of me but not who I am . It does not define me although not denying it has impacted me, my life, my relationships.

It would be something that I have to deal with on a daily basis and that I would never be a mother in the traditional sense.I have to grapple with that and made me a late bloomer in life at some point but it also smacked me into the reality of who I am as person real quick. Because when you grown up questioning your worth and value (or lack of it) you learn real quick to dig deep so you don't feel lost. I thank God for that.

Truth: I have parents that do love, given me a lot ,taught me a lot (some times realizing what me I don't like) They have their way of showing love and care , which might not necessarily be how I need it. Sociocultural and generational differences probably has a lot to do with. They had to deal with their own ,parental deaths, emotionally distant parents and verbal,emotional abuse issues. Don't tell them I said that because it would be denied. That would also explain their difficulty even until today to come grips with my diagnosis with Turner Syndrome . Many a discussions that were had and many it lead to arguments due to their disapproval of me even acknowledging and talking about it describing it as "embarassing”,that I should probably feel embarrass.

It has been really hard on them to see me as an adult, and yes that makes me resentful and angry. It has to take Liza to explain things to them for it to seem acceptable, understandable,comprehensible to them.

Truth: That has affected my connection and relationship with my only younger sister. If it weren't for that one fine Friday afternoon around July 88, I am not quite sure what would happen. That was the Friday after school that a bunch of her friends and her were watching a video that I came to know as “The Right Stuff”. I came to that TV just as Jordan and Donnie were singing “All that I need it was you ,in my life you're so right” There began her brief and my life long love with one Donnie Wahlberg and NKOTB. We never agreed and connected on much but in Donnie we bonded.

Truth: Applied to BU and had my interview before that moment but got my acceptance letter to two weeks after I saw the video and was introduced to the guys (NKOTB)

Truth: I was bullied and called names through out my young life. A lot of doubts and lack of confidence. Somehow I still dared to dream. I knew that was a lot of bigger and better things our there I did not have to buy into the crap, into the stereotypes. I held on to that positivity..faith..dreams...believed and accepted that . It was thru New Kids, their love , their music. Without that..I am sure.. things would have been different. I am not being a cliché and copy catting.. the more I know..the more I learn..the more I related and love. If you can get that.. you never will. Thats my truth. Always have and always will.

Truth: The 12 years I was in Boston...it is my soul home. The best years of my life. I grew, I learn and discovered what I am really made of,who I really AM,what I capable of. Lessons learned, paths crossed, mistakes made, life lived.

Truth: I probably need to see more positive male figures in my life,I am really not seeing it here. I am seeing more scrubs , moochers and fakers.

Mama did tell my six year old self to be good in school educate myself, be independent 'don't expect guys to take care of you..what if they leave you..then you have nothing” Great advice mama but ..maybe that is one of there reasons why I really don't trust man that much. There is only one man that I feel safe and trust when I am around him.

Truth: God shine his light when needed most. He knows best.
I will always be a work in progress
I am doing my human best .. then some
Its call life..Its what God has given me
I choose to wake up and be happy
I have my good days.I have my bad days
I choose to make my tequila with my lemons
That what I do
That who I am
I am the dreamer
I am a hopeless romantic
That's who I am
But don't take me for a sucka

Kuala Lumpur
October 13 2012

Conundrum

Confusion not knowing solution
Love,devotion accused as all delusion
Pooh Pooh

Heart feels
Brain thinks
Faith seeks
Hope leads

Explosion of Emotions
Adoration perfection in love's imperfections

Kuala Lumpur
September 29, 2012