Smile even if when there are tears
Love even if there is hate
Believe even there is doubt
Have faith and joy even in your emptiness
Even if when you look around
You don't see it
You don't feel it
It's there
It's there
When I think of you
When I am around you
It all seems easier
My heart beams
My heart bursts
Hoping you really do feel the same
Wanting you to feel the same
I know I am and have my own life line
I am love
I am strong
You baby..
You throw that extra life line from you to me
Always bringing out the best in me
Always bringing out the strength and love in me
My love...
Thats your love to me
Smile...
Faith....
Love..
Joy...
Hope.....
July 18 2010
Kuala Lumpur
Sunday, July 18, 2010
Tuesday, June 29, 2010
This is my confession
Call it what you want. It might be something in the universe today ,the weather here that has been stormy, causing throbbing havoc on my back,hurts like a mutha and mood..not exactly the best,things just don't feel right.
Praying that I am not going to regret this but there is this voice inside me that is screaming confessional. I am sick and tired,feeling sick and tired. It takes a lot to hold on that love faith and hope..takes a lot of damn work to be happy and positive face.Today I feel drained and need to get to that well, get to that deeper part.
Yes I am pissed. Thankful and greatful for the the air that I breath and the love and feelings , lessons learnt , that I would have not experienced had I not been alive.But I am pissed having born and having to deal with Mosaic Tuner Syndrome on a daily basis and what comes with it, no ovaries,no uterus. not able to be pregnant , messed up choromosome in the blood causing stupid things in your system.thats the inside. Don't get me started on the constant need to take the meds the toll that can take physically and financially. On the outside, all people physically see is a baby faced 40 year old 4 ft 10 woman.
Yeah..I am all about being OK with who you are.. I accept looking young "cute" "adorable", short , thats the reality; but what I do resent and hate is when the physicality affects how people see you,treat you deal with you. You resent it more it some of it even comes from your own family and they refuse to see and acknowledge it. What I hate is then when I left for Boston that went away now I am constantly reminded of it again..Its chipping away at my strength wall. Hell if I am gonna see that breakdown. I would rather die than see that happen.
I accept I am never going to be a supermodel and wether people care to admit it or not there is this unspoken, unadmitted rule about physicality...just don't freaking infantalize me... or think that my size is any measure of my ability to perform or do things, run my ow business. I may have to push thru it but I sure as hell can do it as well as the rest of the damn population. Yes... I hate to say it, the world can be filled by superficial bastards and bitches , its just to what varying degree you let that be you and from which perspective you are standing.
I hate that being sick triggered a domino effect professionally and personally that caused me to make the very very very painful decision to leave Boston and had back to Malaysia, if I were in any way was to get back there ever again.
I hate that because I was so caught up in that misery ,walking all by myself down that narrow street by Pilgrim road in Braintree,in tears, I lost the opportunity to get to know better
the man that is Ddub Sr.His frail body,face smiled,hands waved at me to come over which I did not realize till I got on to the bus headed back to my apartment. Glad I smiled and waved back but regret that I did not do more in the not knowing.
I hate that my life at nearly 40 is not what I had imagined it was when I was younger. I do want it to be better. If only I knew how. All I know is I eat pray love, hold on to love,faith and hope. I hate feeling like there is no way out and like this is big huge freaking brick wall that refuses to let me break thru. Thats what I hate. I am not a quiter, I fight.
I hate and confess that I might be loosing my joy and passion doing what i do because I am sick and tired of playing or trying to figure out the games, that people here play.socio political
business game Its taking a toll on me. There is the Malaysia for the expats and their is the Malaysia for the "locals". Thats the ugly truth of it all.
I regret, hate and confess, that at 21 on August 27 1992, despite that is great, behind the cheshire grin and happiness. The voice that was saying "who the hell do you think you are missy!! You don't deserve to be around him. Scew that shit!" That voice unfortunately was subconsiously louder. This 39 year old now, in a heartbeat bitch slap that 21 year old, for perhaps ruining the best night of her life,with that negative subconscious.
I just feel so damn tired, damn mad but the only choice that would feel right is to find that light that is beautiful inside of me, let is shine into that hell hole that is also part of reality and dig deeper into that well of love, faith and hope.....
This is my confession........
Praying that I am not going to regret this but there is this voice inside me that is screaming confessional. I am sick and tired,feeling sick and tired. It takes a lot to hold on that love faith and hope..takes a lot of damn work to be happy and positive face.Today I feel drained and need to get to that well, get to that deeper part.
Yes I am pissed. Thankful and greatful for the the air that I breath and the love and feelings , lessons learnt , that I would have not experienced had I not been alive.But I am pissed having born and having to deal with Mosaic Tuner Syndrome on a daily basis and what comes with it, no ovaries,no uterus. not able to be pregnant , messed up choromosome in the blood causing stupid things in your system.thats the inside. Don't get me started on the constant need to take the meds the toll that can take physically and financially. On the outside, all people physically see is a baby faced 40 year old 4 ft 10 woman.
Yeah..I am all about being OK with who you are.. I accept looking young "cute" "adorable", short , thats the reality; but what I do resent and hate is when the physicality affects how people see you,treat you deal with you. You resent it more it some of it even comes from your own family and they refuse to see and acknowledge it. What I hate is then when I left for Boston that went away now I am constantly reminded of it again..Its chipping away at my strength wall. Hell if I am gonna see that breakdown. I would rather die than see that happen.
I accept I am never going to be a supermodel and wether people care to admit it or not there is this unspoken, unadmitted rule about physicality...just don't freaking infantalize me... or think that my size is any measure of my ability to perform or do things, run my ow business. I may have to push thru it but I sure as hell can do it as well as the rest of the damn population. Yes... I hate to say it, the world can be filled by superficial bastards and bitches , its just to what varying degree you let that be you and from which perspective you are standing.
I hate that being sick triggered a domino effect professionally and personally that caused me to make the very very very painful decision to leave Boston and had back to Malaysia, if I were in any way was to get back there ever again.
I hate that because I was so caught up in that misery ,walking all by myself down that narrow street by Pilgrim road in Braintree,in tears, I lost the opportunity to get to know better
the man that is Ddub Sr.His frail body,face smiled,hands waved at me to come over which I did not realize till I got on to the bus headed back to my apartment. Glad I smiled and waved back but regret that I did not do more in the not knowing.
I hate that my life at nearly 40 is not what I had imagined it was when I was younger. I do want it to be better. If only I knew how. All I know is I eat pray love, hold on to love,faith and hope. I hate feeling like there is no way out and like this is big huge freaking brick wall that refuses to let me break thru. Thats what I hate. I am not a quiter, I fight.
I hate and confess that I might be loosing my joy and passion doing what i do because I am sick and tired of playing or trying to figure out the games, that people here play.socio political
business game Its taking a toll on me. There is the Malaysia for the expats and their is the Malaysia for the "locals". Thats the ugly truth of it all.
I regret, hate and confess, that at 21 on August 27 1992, despite that is great, behind the cheshire grin and happiness. The voice that was saying "who the hell do you think you are missy!! You don't deserve to be around him. Scew that shit!" That voice unfortunately was subconsiously louder. This 39 year old now, in a heartbeat bitch slap that 21 year old, for perhaps ruining the best night of her life,with that negative subconscious.
I just feel so damn tired, damn mad but the only choice that would feel right is to find that light that is beautiful inside of me, let is shine into that hell hole that is also part of reality and dig deeper into that well of love, faith and hope.....
This is my confession........
Sunday, June 6, 2010
Meet me half way
I know love,life is a journey
I can't help but to see and feel you in it
I do love you
I do care
I am patient
But baby....
how long does this have to go on
I have made a damn fool of myself loving you long enough
I know how it started
I just don't know how to stop it
I don't know how to hate you
Its impossible
you are the deepest part of my heart
the deepest loving part me,my heart and my soul
Will there be a time that you would truly,really see me
Will there ever be a time that I hear the words
Will there ever be a time that I feel the love
Will the ever be a time that I feel the arms wrapped around me
Truly
madly
deeply
For me to be sure
I just want to know that its real
I am not stupid
I am not crazy
I feel it in my heart
I want it to be
If God would hear it
If God meant it for me
June 6, 2010
Kuala Lumpur
I can't help but to see and feel you in it
I do love you
I do care
I am patient
But baby....
how long does this have to go on
I have made a damn fool of myself loving you long enough
I know how it started
I just don't know how to stop it
I don't know how to hate you
Its impossible
you are the deepest part of my heart
the deepest loving part me,my heart and my soul
Will there be a time that you would truly,really see me
Will there ever be a time that I hear the words
Will there ever be a time that I feel the love
Will the ever be a time that I feel the arms wrapped around me
Truly
madly
deeply
For me to be sure
I just want to know that its real
I am not stupid
I am not crazy
I feel it in my heart
I want it to be
If God would hear it
If God meant it for me
June 6, 2010
Kuala Lumpur
Sunday, May 30, 2010
Lake Chini 2010
Chini Lake as a little background is a lake near the Pahang River in the Central State of Pahang in Malaysia. It is inhabited by the aboroginies tribe called Jakun. The river was damned in order to maintain the lakes depth during the dry season which now has caused dispruption in the natural ecology of the lake and cause death of tree and plants on the shores due to the elvated water levels. This is affecting the surroundings and the people negatively.
On Friday May 28, 2010 aboyut 4o participants with the Malaysian Nature Society started our journey to Lake Chini on a nature/conservation trip and to live and be a part of the Jakun community in Kampung Gumum (Gumum Village), Lake Chini. We went as a convoy and prior arrangement was made during a briefing a few weeks back that Liza, Anita and I were to car pool with Edgar. We rode with him in his car. The convoy arrived there around 1 pm. We stayed at Rajan Jones Guest house (essentially a long house). Rajan got married to a Jakun woman and was accepted into the community as one of their own.
Our accomodation was as simple,basic and as real as it can get. Back to basic, core necessities.Meals were provided at the community canteen set up and home cooked by his wife and two helpers.
Lunch was served and immidiately after that we got going. Started out on a nature tour ,walk. We went right to work. We were devided into two seperate groups. Some went into the lake and
plucked out the weeds that we part of the problem in that lake, destroying the lake and the ecology. The weeds we loaded in a small "sampan". Some of us went all around the shore of that part of the lake, up the hills and did clean up.
We were given and we heard first hand accounts of whats going on with Lake Chini and the community. I was amazed and saddened at the amount of thrash that was thrown, and the hurt that is put on this beautiful piece,part of God's earth and its people.
Later that evening, there was nite jungle trekking but it was cut short because of the rain.
Saturday started early at around 6.30 am before breakfast to be served at 9 am. There was bird watching activity. At around 10 am, our group headed by Tok Batin, the head tribal chief set out on deep ends of of the forest,jungle ,palm oil plantation, heading towards the other side of the lake into another Jakun village. The chief took us thru the trail filling us with knowledge of the indegenous trees and plants,its natural values,properties that can't be found elsewhere. At one point the made an origami usable container made from "nipah" or palm leaves. He cut down a small Liyana tree branch that gave out at least half a bottle of juice from it. The Liyana just is said to to have healing and energizing properties. The juice taste really good. pure water but with a little honey added to it. It was refreshing. It did perk me up a little. We also went the thru path of destruction done by illegal logging.
We had sandwhiches that was packed for us, so we had our lunch in the jungle, sitting everywhere and anywhere that were leech free. The trekking took us about 5 solid hours before we reached another village. We then waited for the boat to pick us up and headed back to base . Too bad it was not a certain cruise boat that I am thinking of. Five hours of trekking and still standing,living to tell about it. A pat on the back for Zee. It was excitement ,exhaustion all at once ,I have to say.
After dinner that evening, we had a small last supper together and "sewang" (traditional song and dance party) which also included the Chief and Rajan. Rajan also asked Tok Batin to give out prices for the traditional arrow blow pipe that was had earlier on our arrival. He also gave out a heartfelt speech that got me all chocked up when he was talking about the situation that his are and tribe is dealing with,he said he did not want to offend anyone (translation the powers that be) but he was really appreciate our being there helping and to bring forth their plight.
We also got to know and hung out with Noor a local woman who is doing a homebased native arts and craft,herbal medicine business. A great, lovely passionate,enterprising woman. I appreciated and loved her spirit. In the middle of the sewang Liza, Anita and I took Noor up on her invite to hang out, drink herbal tea and get messages. We talked pretty much about anything and everything. She gave shoulder and foot messages using the natural oil that she produced.
On the last day, there was more bird watching for the bird enthusiast. I have indeed come to the conclusion that bird watching is a lot like golf. It can be an acquired passion/taste; shall we say, great nonetheless. I am glad that I had learned quite a bit about it and how the situation around us will and has affected the bird population in the area.
After breakfast we head on over to the UKM (Natioanal university of Malaysia) Lake Chini research Center where we had a little briefing and more explorations in their "plantation" museum of Chini Lake
We all decided to leave after that trip and just pick our bags up and head back instead of having lunch at the the site we figured we would just do that at the rest stop on the highway.
I was lucky and thankful for the wonderful people that I met on this trip that nothing but fun, wonderful and supportive I would do it again in a heartbeat and hope to be more a solution rather than a problem during my existence on this earth and I learn to remind myself not to take more than what I need from life and mother nature. Promise to do and be better.
On Friday May 28, 2010 aboyut 4o participants with the Malaysian Nature Society started our journey to Lake Chini on a nature/conservation trip and to live and be a part of the Jakun community in Kampung Gumum (Gumum Village), Lake Chini. We went as a convoy and prior arrangement was made during a briefing a few weeks back that Liza, Anita and I were to car pool with Edgar. We rode with him in his car. The convoy arrived there around 1 pm. We stayed at Rajan Jones Guest house (essentially a long house). Rajan got married to a Jakun woman and was accepted into the community as one of their own.
Our accomodation was as simple,basic and as real as it can get. Back to basic, core necessities.Meals were provided at the community canteen set up and home cooked by his wife and two helpers.
Lunch was served and immidiately after that we got going. Started out on a nature tour ,walk. We went right to work. We were devided into two seperate groups. Some went into the lake and
plucked out the weeds that we part of the problem in that lake, destroying the lake and the ecology. The weeds we loaded in a small "sampan". Some of us went all around the shore of that part of the lake, up the hills and did clean up.
We were given and we heard first hand accounts of whats going on with Lake Chini and the community. I was amazed and saddened at the amount of thrash that was thrown, and the hurt that is put on this beautiful piece,part of God's earth and its people.
Later that evening, there was nite jungle trekking but it was cut short because of the rain.
Saturday started early at around 6.30 am before breakfast to be served at 9 am. There was bird watching activity. At around 10 am, our group headed by Tok Batin, the head tribal chief set out on deep ends of of the forest,jungle ,palm oil plantation, heading towards the other side of the lake into another Jakun village. The chief took us thru the trail filling us with knowledge of the indegenous trees and plants,its natural values,properties that can't be found elsewhere. At one point the made an origami usable container made from "nipah" or palm leaves. He cut down a small Liyana tree branch that gave out at least half a bottle of juice from it. The Liyana just is said to to have healing and energizing properties. The juice taste really good. pure water but with a little honey added to it. It was refreshing. It did perk me up a little. We also went the thru path of destruction done by illegal logging.
We had sandwhiches that was packed for us, so we had our lunch in the jungle, sitting everywhere and anywhere that were leech free. The trekking took us about 5 solid hours before we reached another village. We then waited for the boat to pick us up and headed back to base . Too bad it was not a certain cruise boat that I am thinking of. Five hours of trekking and still standing,living to tell about it. A pat on the back for Zee. It was excitement ,exhaustion all at once ,I have to say.
After dinner that evening, we had a small last supper together and "sewang" (traditional song and dance party) which also included the Chief and Rajan. Rajan also asked Tok Batin to give out prices for the traditional arrow blow pipe that was had earlier on our arrival. He also gave out a heartfelt speech that got me all chocked up when he was talking about the situation that his are and tribe is dealing with,he said he did not want to offend anyone (translation the powers that be) but he was really appreciate our being there helping and to bring forth their plight.
We also got to know and hung out with Noor a local woman who is doing a homebased native arts and craft,herbal medicine business. A great, lovely passionate,enterprising woman. I appreciated and loved her spirit. In the middle of the sewang Liza, Anita and I took Noor up on her invite to hang out, drink herbal tea and get messages. We talked pretty much about anything and everything. She gave shoulder and foot messages using the natural oil that she produced.
On the last day, there was more bird watching for the bird enthusiast. I have indeed come to the conclusion that bird watching is a lot like golf. It can be an acquired passion/taste; shall we say, great nonetheless. I am glad that I had learned quite a bit about it and how the situation around us will and has affected the bird population in the area.
After breakfast we head on over to the UKM (Natioanal university of Malaysia) Lake Chini research Center where we had a little briefing and more explorations in their "plantation" museum of Chini Lake
We all decided to leave after that trip and just pick our bags up and head back instead of having lunch at the the site we figured we would just do that at the rest stop on the highway.
I was lucky and thankful for the wonderful people that I met on this trip that nothing but fun, wonderful and supportive I would do it again in a heartbeat and hope to be more a solution rather than a problem during my existence on this earth and I learn to remind myself not to take more than what I need from life and mother nature. Promise to do and be better.
Saturday, May 22, 2010
Beautiful Dream
Thought I saw you
Thought I heard you
Thought I felt your arms
wrapped around me
The smell
The warmth
The smile
wrapped around me
I am happy
I am blessed
I am in heaven
Two of us together,
just lying there
I looked into those eyes
smiling back at smiling face
that's smiling at me
Kissing those lips
Hands held real tight,real close
My eyes opened....
There is no one there...
Sighs....
You came to me only in my dreams
May 19, 2010
Kuala Lumpur
Thought I heard you
Thought I felt your arms
wrapped around me
The smell
The warmth
The smile
wrapped around me
I am happy
I am blessed
I am in heaven
Two of us together,
just lying there
I looked into those eyes
smiling back at smiling face
that's smiling at me
Kissing those lips
Hands held real tight,real close
My eyes opened....
There is no one there...
Sighs....
You came to me only in my dreams
May 19, 2010
Kuala Lumpur
Saturday, May 15, 2010
Until the Rain Stops
Until the Rain stop
Until the time is right
Until the rain stops
Letting the sun shines thru
I'll hold on
I'll on to the dreams
I'll hold on to my faith
I'll on to the love
I'll hold on you
When it stops
I'll still hold on
What we will have will go on
What we have will shine on
Until I just don't have it in me anymore
Life is not gonna get the worse of me
Kuala Lumpur
October 9, 2009
Edited May 15 2010
Until the Rain stop
Until the time is right
Until the rain stops
Letting the sun shines thru
I'll hold on
I'll on to the dreams
I'll hold on to my faith
I'll on to the love
I'll hold on you
When it stops
I'll still hold on
What we will have will go on
What we have will shine on
Until I just don't have it in me anymore
Life is not gonna get the worse of me
Kuala Lumpur
October 9, 2009
Edited May 15 2010
Sunday, April 25, 2010
It forever will be
With every fiber of my being
with every fiber of my soul
I feel hope
I feel strength
With every fiber of my being
With every fiber of my soul
I do feel blessed
Moment of love wraps me
Warms my heart
Lifts my spirit
It soars
It flies
I can never deny it
I can never push it away
That what nutures me
That what feeds me
That what brings me love
and gives me joy
How can it not be apart of me?
It forever will be
It always will be
Kuala Lumpur
April 25 2010
with every fiber of my soul
I feel hope
I feel strength
With every fiber of my being
With every fiber of my soul
I do feel blessed
Moment of love wraps me
Warms my heart
Lifts my spirit
It soars
It flies
I can never deny it
I can never push it away
That what nutures me
That what feeds me
That what brings me love
and gives me joy
How can it not be apart of me?
It forever will be
It always will be
Kuala Lumpur
April 25 2010
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